Making it Work

Making it Work

I’ve wanted to write about this for so long, but I cannot find the time to blog. Right now, I should be working  on any one of about a hundred things that are so far behind, but I am stealing some time to blog because it is therapeutic for me and enables me to focus. By the time I complete this, it will have taken months because I will have worked on it in 2-minute increments.

My Job

As you might imagine, making it work on one income is difficult. It is something Jason and I agreed on long before we married. Dating for nearly 5.5 years prior to marriage means working out a lot of things before walking down the aisle. I knew years ago that God wanted me to stay/work at home with my children. He gave me the opportunity to earn a college degree that has proven to be extremely helpful in my role as a mother. I have questioned the decision so many times, but at the end of the day, I always know I am doing what is right. I have been there for every first smile, first giggle, first step, etc. I have been there to kiss every skinned knee and wipe every tear. I am the one who picks them up from school every day, helps them with homework, listens to them talk about hopes and fears, and so much more. I have not missed any of it, and for that, I am so grateful. There is absolutely no job in the world that could ever make me feel so blessed because there is only one job that God has intended for me to do in the last 11.5 years. Society may question the choice Jason and I have made. Family and friends may do the same, but I am doing what God wants me to do, and that’s what matters above all else. I have made many attempts to change my “job” over the last decade, but God has slammed so many doors. It has almost been comical…the things that have gone wrong as I have tried to find a job working outside the home. It took me a long time to realize that God was telling me something. Will He ever want me to work outside the home again? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. My health issues have an impact on that possibility too….as do the unique needs of my oldest children. They have therapy appointments and miss school  more often than their peers due to their unique needs. Without a lengthy explanation, let’s just say that riding the bus is not a good idea for them (mostly just one of them). Jason takes them to school and I pick them up every day. It is a big challenge because I have to take a very rambunctious 3-year-old and an 8-month-old with me every day. And loading them up is very hard on my back. Often, I have to wake Sadie Pearl up from her first and sometimes only nap of the day just so I can go pick up her big sisters. But it is what is best for the situation. Me being at home is what our family needs…at least right now. I am where I need to be and doing what is both the most difficult and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.  When I was a child, I used to help my dad load and unload firewood sometimes. He sold firewood for years to help support our family. I remember how completely physically exhausting it was. If you’ve ever done it, you know what I mean. Well, my current role (combined with health problems) causes me to be way more sore and exhausted than I ever was working in firewood. It’s tough…physically, mentally, and emotionally. But it is also an amazing blessing, and I am so thankful for every bit of exhaustion.

Even though I am doing what God wants me to do, there are still struggles. Raising a family isn’t free or even anywhere near cheap. With a family on the large side (by today’s standards at least), money can be very tight. But God has not left us without a way to make it work. I have worked from home off and on. I had an Etsy shop for a while. For a time, I was working almost 40 hours per week in addition to caring for the kiddos (only two of them at the time) full-time. I have done online surveys and sold things on Ebay. I have participated in paid online focus groups and even in a study about families at UK. All those things have helped keep our family afloat. And now, God has led me in a slightly different direction. He has shown me how to save money since so many attempts to earn money have been squelched over and over. It takes a lot of work and can be very frustrating at times, but the same is true of any job.

 

Couponing

 

I have been cutting coupons for many years, but I was not really a serious couponer until now. Now, I spend many hours per week, in small increments of time in between diaper changes and fixing snacks for Lincoln, following couponing websites (such as www.thekrazycouponlady.com) I keep track of what’s on sale and where. When there is an excellent deal (meaning very cheap or free) on something we need and regularly use, I stock up as much as our budget and time will allow. Sometimes we have to pass on the great deals because there simply isn’t enough money to afford to stock up. Other times, we are able to get some amazing bargains. We have enough toilet paper, paper towels, and shampoo right now to last for at least 6 months. And we did not pay anywhere close to the prices we used to pay for those items. Serious couponing takes a lot of concentration and a lot of time. That is a major challenge in a house with four children, especially when two of them are so young and dependent on me for so much. Sometimes Jason picks up something in Lexington on his way to or from work, since there are so many more stores there and deals that often cannot be found around here. It is funny to hear him telling someone that it takes a degree in rocket science to figure out all the coupon matches. There can sometimes be three or four different coupons (mobile coupon, store coupon, manufacturer’s coupon, and store promotional offer) for a single item. It gets very confusing, especially with a line of anxious people waiting to check out. When the kiddos are there too, it’s complete chaos. Imagine trying to make sure your cashier gives you credit for four different offers while your infant is screaming, your pre-teens are arguing, and your 3-year-old is having a meltdown. Not fun! And you have more items still in your cart. It’s difficult enough to get the groceries WITHOUT couponing. But…it’s all part of my job as matriarch of this household, and we are so amazingly blessed to be able to buy food when so many cannot. Couponing also allows us to try new products, as it requires flexibility and no brand loyalty whatsoever. Don’t mistake this for buying things that are not needed. That is something to watch out for when couponing. So what if Wal-Mart has a great deal on eggplant purple clown makeup? I don’t care if it’s free. I don’t need it, so I’m not going to waste my time buying it. But if x brand pasta is available for 25 cents per box, I’ll try a new brand without thinking twice.

 

Cloth Diapering

Saving money also means doing a lot of things more cheaply. Cloth diapering was one of the first changes I made. I did the math and saw we were spending about $100 per month on diapers. And we were NOT buying Pampers or Huggies (never have)! At the time, we had two in diapers and also one needing overnight protection due to enuresis. I did a lot of research and found that traditional flat cloth diapers were the cheapest. I waited until I could, and I ordered some…along with some of the PUL covers (the slick cover that actually keeps the diaper contents from leaking out). I quickly figured out I didn’t have enough, so I figured out how to make my own covers. I ordered the fabric, watched several online tutorials, spent some time talking to other diaper makers online, and then I made a couple of covers. I still plan to make some more, but I haven’t had the chance yet. I was also able to find someone who had some extra covers they wanted to give away (yes, they can be sanitized). Cloth diapering is not convenient. It’s not glamorous. In fact, it is quite repulsive much of the time. When there is poo, the flat (big rectangular piece of fabric) must be rinsed out into the toilet before the flat can go in the diaper pail. There are all sorts of fancy “diaper sprayers” that can be bought for this specific purpose. There are even contraptions that sit on the toilet to contain all the poo water and keep the spray from going all over the walls, floors, etc. Personally, I could not imagine spending that kind of money on poo, so I bought a longer hose for the shower sprayer so that it would reach the toilet (there are good things about having small bathrooms). I also bought a couple of cheap ($3) 5-gallon buckets at Wal-Mart. One is used as our diaper pail (no need for an expensive pail despite what the cloth diaper manufacturers say) and one is our sprayer bucket. Jason drilled a drain hole in the bottom of it and brought in a couple of small pieces of wood to sit it on when it is on the toilet. Voila! Fancy diaper spray contraption for just a few bucks! I am still in the process of switching to cloth wipes. I bought some cheap flannel remnants and plan to make some wipes when I get a chance. For now, we use mostly the Wal-Mart brand of wipes and I try to be conservative.

Cloth diapering definitely increases the laundry. Every other day, I do diaper laundry. This is not something that can wait. And amazingly, it isn’t simple either. So many things must be considered…the hardness of the water…the type of fabric (my flats are organic bamboo but the covers are PUL)….the capabilities of the machine. The diapers must first be rinsed in the washer….then washed with just the right amount and type of detergent and water softener....then rinsed again and an extra rinse. All sorts of issues can develop without the right laundry routine. There’s ammonia buildup, “barnyard stink”, wetness-activated ammonia odor, and more. No fabric softener can be used because it will cause the fabric to repel rather than absorb moisture. No diaper rash ointments can be used either unless they are specifically made for cloth diapering. Thankfully, I learned that unrefined coconut oil can be used safely on cloth diapers. It doesn’t really cure a rash (thankfully we rarely have rash issues), but it can help prevent them and is so much more environmentally-friendly than typical rash creams. It takes a lot of trial and error to develop the right laundry routine, specific to a certain machine, water type, and fabric type. But once it is established, it really isn’t all that difficult. It’s just some extra work.

DIY

After switching to cloth diapers, I also began to research ways to make things that we would normally buy. I learned about castile soaps and ordered some Dr. Bronners when I was able to afford it. I also learned about essential oils and making my own personal care and household cleaning products. No more buying lotions, facial cleansers, hand soap, household cleaners (other than bleach), and several more items I was used to buying. Now, I make our hand soap using castile soap, vegetable glycerin, water, and essential oils. I make our body wash, facial cleanser for myself and my older girls, facial scrub, and body butter moisturizer. I bought some essentials such as shea butter, beeswax, cocoa butter, sweet almond oil, peach kernel oil, jojoba oil, and organic unrefined coconut oil (NOT the cheapie Wal-Mart kind). Yes, buying all these supplies took a little money, and I had to wait until it could be done. But it is now saving us money. I have also made homemade lip balm, and we use quite a bit of that around here. The castile soaps can be used for cleaning pretty much everything in the house (diluted to various degrees based on the purpose). They aren’t great as dish soap, so I still buy dishwashing liquid when I can get it really cheap. I bought some recently for 19 cents per bottle! To clean the floors, I use a mixture of vinegar and water and a steamer. No harsh chemicals. It is so much cheaper and better for pets and children. I no longer use fabric softener at all. Instead I use plain white vinegar. Occasionally I put a few drops of essential oil in for the scent, but it isn’t necessary. Vinegar is a wonderful, natural fabric softener. I have made homemade detergent in the past, but it really just doesn’t work as well and can actually ruin cloth diapers. I am NOT going to take the chance on ruining my cloth diapers or not getting them clean enough to be sanitary, so I still buy whatever laundry detergent I can get for a great price. Jason constructed a nice clothesline in the back yard, so I hang out as much laundry as possible.  I also made some 100% wool dryer balls that I use when I do have to dry a load in the dryer. The balls help to soften the fabric, reduce static, and cut down on drying time. I use six in every load. These can be bought on Etsy or even Amazon, but I wanted to save money and make my own. My mother was kind enough to get the yarn for me without taking any reimbursement for it. (Thanks Mom!)

I am fairly handy with a sewing machine, so I have also made many needed items. In addition to cloth diaper covers, I have made bibs, pacifier clips, car seat strap covers, hair accessories, and a sensory fringe blanket for Sadie Pearl. I have repurposed old changing pads to make bibs and even mama cloth for myself. That is another area of savings…mama cloth. I have made my own from organic bamboo fleece and microfleece. If you don’t know what mama cloth is, just Google it. I won’t go into the details here. We have also cut down on our use of paper towels too. With pets and young children, we used to go through almost a roll per day! Now a roll will last us at least a week or more. We usually only use paper towels for pet messes. I use washcloths to wipe down messy kiddos…and old rags for household cleaning. If someone spills water or something that is not too messy, I just grab a not-so-dirty dirty towel out of the hamper and use it to clean up. I also try to reuse paper for printing coupons. As long as I have one blank side and no personal info on the other side…it’s perfect for coupon printing.

We are trying to reuse items as much as possible too. While I have made some baby food for Sadie Pearl, we still have a lot of baby food jars. We save them, wash them, and I use them for storing coconut oil or the whipped body butter or sugar scrub that I make. I also use them for storing things in the kitchen. Just this week, I used an empty Lipton Tea jar to store flaxseed. I don’t keep everything. If we truly don’t need it, it goes in the trash or to the recycling center. But if something has a purpose…I will definitely reuse rather than spending money to buy something I already have right in front of me.

Changes in the Kitchen

Another biggie for us has been cutting down our grocery bill. With “larger” families, grocery bills can be a major strain. We do not receive food stamps. Yes…we struggle. But we manage. I have learned how to make my own taco seasoning and plan to do the same for meatloaf, chili, and anything else that I would have typically bought a seasoning packet to make. I am finding that the seasonings I make are much healthier than the ones in the packets anyway. I learned how to make healthy granola. Just yesterday I made some homemade (and quite healthy) whole wheat bread with coconut oil rather than butter or margarine…from scratch. McKenna said it was better than anything that could be bought at the store, and that’s a big compliment coming from a child that has sensory issues and cannot tolerate many foods.  While I don’t really want to encourage a lot of unhealthy treats, I am sure not thrilled about the idea of paying Little Debbie to make something I can make for much less money for my kiddos. Yes, it takes time. There are more dishes to wash. I used to do 1-2 jam-packed-full loads per day. Now I absolutely have to do at least two full loads. BUT…it can be done and cooking is something I enjoy being able to do for my family. I also keep a list on the fridge of all the leftovers we have (complete with dates) inside. That way, things don’t get forgotten. We eat a lot of leftovers, and that’s the way it should be. I HATE wasting food! There are so many people who are starving in this world! We’ve also started shopping some at the salvage grocery store. Yes, the cans are dented and dusty. Some things are expired (though still just fine). The selection varies and can be a bit odd, but it saves us money and puts food on the table. I will admit that there have been a few things from there that have not tasted all that great. I am NOT a picky eater at all, so if I think something tastes a little off…trust me…it does. But as long as it is not spoiled and dangerous to eat, I eat it anyway. I cannot say that my children or even my husband will do the same, but it really doesn’t bother me to eat something that might not taste all that great as long as it doesn’t make me sick. Hey, I chose the first and ONLY wedding dress I tried on….so what does that tell you?

Here's my bread dough, letting the yeast rest and getting ready to bake.

I am also making my own salad dressing from extra virgin olive oil, balsamic vinegar, Dijon mustard, dill, and pepper. For every needed item, I try to ask myself whether or not I can make it for less than I can buy it. The answer is almost always yes. Of course, as you might imagine, there isn’t always time to make things. So that has to be considered as well. Sometimes with the right coupon combination, I can  buy things for less than I can make them. I have started making pureed baby food for Sadie Pearl too (see pic of sweet potato/apple puree).

The girls’ IMPACT coordinator has been nice enough to bring us some salvaged groceries too. They know every little bit helps, and we are extremely grateful to them for their kindness.

Our garden is already planted for the year, and I am planning to do as much canning as possible. We didn’t grow our own strawberries, but I plan to purchase some locally and make jam in the next couple of weeks. We use quite a bit of jam here, so that will definitely be a savings for us. We also plan to can pickles and beans and probably freeze corn. Hopefully we’ll be able to add to that list, but that depends on a lot of things. The big kiddos are very good at gardening (4-H Junior Master Gardeners!), but my back tends to work against me when it comes to gardening. So I have to be careful.

The month isn’t over yet, but it looks like we will probably have cut our typical grocery bill by at least 40% this month!

Family Fun

Another way we have been saving money for years is by not taking trips or going on outings that many families go on regularly. In the 11.5 years since we had our first child, we have taken only two vacations and one of those was mostly because of a promise I’d made to our oldest two children relating to the death of their sister. There are no weekend trips or even day trips for that matter. We are extremely busy. After all, saving money by not paying anyone for yard work, housekeeping, babysitting, or anything else means spending time doing it all yourself. And with a “larger” family, it is a very big job. Even if we were going to spend money on taking regular trips or going to the movies once every couple of months, we wouldn’t have the time to do it. Things can get very behind very quickly with a larger family. And when things get too far behind, things start to unravel even more than usual.

Jason and I don’t have date nights or go out with friends…ever…period. That doesn’t mean we would never do those things. It’s just that it’s not in our budget right now and childcare for those things isn’t available anyway. This doesn't mean our family never has fun. We just find the fun in everyday events and do occasionally get to see a movie or something like that.

 Clothes and Extras

We have been extremely fortunate over the years to get hand-me-downs from several people. We try to do the same with clothing once our kiddos no longer need it. We usually donate to Goodwill, the school’s family resource center, or give things to the girls’ friends if they can use them. We rarely ever buy clothing but when we do, it often comes from Goodwill or Wal-Mart. I also buy items from yard sales and Ebay. I don’t care about name brands. I don’t care about being fancy. I don’t care what the latest styles are. As long as our clothes are clean and presentable…we are very, very fortunate. Anyone who knows me knows that I have pretty much been wearing the same one pair of pants (from Goodwill) and shirt (about 10 years old and from Wal-Mart) for many months now. That has been my only real decent outfit to wear in public, though my weight loss is now allowing me to wear a few of the things I got at Goodwill before I got pregnant with Sadie Pearl. So what if I wear the same shirt everywhere? Who really cares? As long as it is decent and clean…that’s all that matters. There are so many more important things in life than what clothes a person is wearing. I don’t need a bunch of shoes or purses, etc. I just don’t place any importance on those things when there are people out there starving and suffering every day. In fact, I even feel guilty for having what I do have. There are always those who have less.

My girls are reaching the point where they are wanting certain styles of clothing (not certain brands…at least not yet). That’s fine. However, they will learn, just as I did at an early age, that clothing is not important and if they want something that isn’t necessary, they will need to work and earn it. They may despise Jason and I for not getting them cell phones, but I personally do not feel that my pre-teen daughters have any business having a phone. It is not a necessity by any means. At some point, if they want to work and pay for their own cell phone, that is fine. If we are in a position to do so, we may even help them with some of the expense in exchange for extra chores. But for now, they will remain phone-less. And as long as getting them a phone isn’t in our budget, they will not be getting one no matter what their age…unless they can work to pay for it. Jason’s phone is provided by his employer and mine is a Straight Talk $45 per month plan. That is our only phone bill.

We rarely get haircuts. In a good year, I get two haircuts. I don’t get highlights or anything else fancy done…just a cut. Some years, I only get one haircut. The girls get a trim about 2-3 times per year. Jason goes a little more often, simply because he doesn’t want to have long hair. I have tried to get Jason to let me cut his hair, but he refuses. I don’t get manicures, pedicures, or anything like that…ever. I rarely buy makeup and when I do, I either get it for free or nearly free with a coupon or buy it on Ebay. Lincoln also gets a haircut every few months. Jason tried cutting Lincoln’s hair once. It did not turn out well.

 Saving Energy

We have managed to reduce our electric bill by quite a bit, and I expect to see it drop even more because of the very recent changes we’ve made. Using the new clothesline has helped us so much because we have a lot of laundry! It isn’t always easy (okay…it is never easy) to hang out clothes. I have to find a time during the day when Sadie Pearl is asleep or safely occupied (and those things are rare). I then have to contend with trying to get out the door and down several concrete steps with a heavy basket full of wet laundry, with cats and a 3-year-old getting in my way. My little man most usually goes outside and starts getting into something. So I often have to stop hanging up the clothes in order to get him out of the mud he’s just made with the water hose…or remind him to stop peeing in the yard…or go after him when he decides to run off to the neighbor’s house. It isn’t as simple as just going outside and hanging out clothes. I also try to open windows and turn off the central heat/air whenever possible. I keep lights off during the day whenever I don’t truly need them (and daylight is usually enough). I unplug small appliances not being used (toaster, can opener, etc.). I do whatever I can to use less electricity, and we’re definitely noticing a difference in our bill…even with the added energy used by washing cloth diapers. I wash someone’s bedding, on average, about every other day due to bed-wetting incidents. That alone would make our electric bill rise quite a bit if I did not use the clothesline. I do not use the heat dry setting on the dishwasher and try to wash most clothing in cold water.

Rewards and a Dollar Here and There

If a certain product or brand has a rewards program, I take advantage of it. I enter codes online or send in receipts for rebates. I do online surveys when I can…and sign up for free samples anytime I find a legitimate one. Those things all add up. Yes, I have been known to dig through the trash to find a rewards code that was overlooked. That’s what soap is for, right? This takes quite a bit of time, but it’s just another part of my job. I have also made it a point to start saving any napkins we get when we do occasionally have fast food. I save all the condiments too. I have bought one of those nifty red ketchup bottles to squeeze all the extra ketchup packets into. I know that may sound crazy, but hey….I’m not throwing out ketchup!

 That’s All….I Think

I am sure I am leaving out some things, but it’s been a long day and my brain needs some sleep now. It doesn’t operate very well after being up for 18+ hours.  So there you have it….a glimpse of what I’ve been doing to help my family keep going. I am sure we could improve, and I am constantly trying to find ways to cut expenses even more. In addition to being a full-time stay-at-home-mother, this is my job. It consumes so much of my time and energy, but that is what makes it a job. It isn’t easy, but it is necessary and something I have been blessed to be able to do. An answer to prayers doesn’t always result in God slapping a big, fat, tasty fish on the dinner table. Sometimes the answer comes in the form of a fishing pole and the ability to use it.

If you are a mother who works outside the home and you are reading this thinking, “Well, that’s all great, but I don’t have time to do all that.” Well, you’re exactly right. While you are away working hard at your job, you don’t have time for all the stuff that I am doing. And I do not have time for your job because I am busy doing mine. I save my family thousands of dollars each year by being the sole childcare provider and housekeeper, cutting expenses, and providing mom’s taxi service. I have the utmost respect for moms who work outside the home, and I also believe in what I am doing and how it contributes to my family and society in general.  

Busy but blessed

Blogging isn't exactly something I have time for these days, but I needed the therapy of writing today. What's going on? What's life like with five children? Let me give you a glimpse.

First of all, many may wonder why I say "FIVE" children rather than four. Let me explain. I have carried FIVE children for the duration of pregnancy. I have been to the hospital to welcome my new little one FIVE times. I have FIVE sets of memories of first smiles, first coos, and first giggles. In my home, there are FIVE keepsake totes and FIVE baby books. Some would say, "Yes, but you only have FOUR children living with you." That is true in a physical sense. But in a spiritual sense, it isn't true. While Gabby is not in my arms or skipping through the house in her tutu, she is in my heart. She is part of me. She is always in my thoughts...every single day. And let me assure you that the burden of losing her weighs more heavily on me than any obligation or duty that comes with any of each of my four other children. It takes my energy just the same (if not more) as changing diapers, fixing snacks, cleaning up messes, helping with homework, and being a shuttle to and from extracurricular activities. It is far more difficult to handle than having a child that is simply away at college or otherwise out of the nest. And how many parents do you know who stop counting their child once he/she leaves for college? So when I say I have FIVE children, I don't mean I have FIVE children physically living with me. But let me assure you that I do have FIVE children, and failing to acknowledge that would be wrong on so many levels. If others who have lost children choose not to mention their lost child when asked how many children they have, so be it. We each handle things differently. But I will never exclude Gabby, as she is just as much my child as any of my others. I am separated from her only temporarily.

Saying life with five children is very busy would be a huge understatement. It is really hard to explain to anyone who has never experienced it. Having younger children makes it even more chaotic, especially at the young age of 37 (and I'm talking about age 37 after having five children and losing one of them). While one is not far from her teen years, one is still eating every 3 hours and has no teeth yet. My days are packed with lots of diaper changes (cloth diapers are great but a lot of work), cleaning up various bodily fluids and unknown substances from the strangest of places, helping with homework, breaking up sibling fights, dishes, laundry, phone calls for various appointments, taxi service for school pick-up and after-school activities, fixing meals and snacks, making sure the older ones get chores done, helping with homework, the older ones' in-home therapy appointments, trying to figure out ways to make and save money (sewing, making homemade conditioner and other household products, couponing), praying, caring for pets, and sometimes managing to squeeze in enough time to shower or bathe. Days of wearing make-up and fixing my hair are rare. I have had only two manicures in my lifetime (and one was a gift for my wedding day). I have never had a pedicure. I've never set foot in a spa. I am lucky to get maybe 2 haircuts per year. I do not have time for girls night out or dates with my husband (a lack of childcare influences that too). I manage to get through all this, every day, with serious pain from what is left of my SI joints and all the issues going on with my back. My other health issues come into play as well. I have learned to do a very good job of hiding the pain, most of the time and from most people. Why? Because my children come first. My family comes first. Yes, I know, I know. Moms have to take care of themselves in order to take care of their children. I understand that and agree to a certain point. However, I also think there is a good bit of ridiculousness in that mindset when a mom puts their child's needs to the side in order to go to the spa or on vacation with the hubby. And to a child, a "need" may be something simple like having Mom attend a PTO performance or sit with her at bedtime to calm her fears after a rough day. When special needs are in the picture, this becomes even more important.

I start my day at 6:45- 7 AM and I go to bed around midnight or sometimes later. There are some exceptions to that when I pretty much pass out from exhaustion (usually still wearing my clothes from the day) after the three older kiddos are asleep and Daddy is having "bonding time" with Sadie Pearl. I wake up multiple times each night due to various health issues and kiddos getting up/waking.

Am I tired? Yes!!! All the time...due to health problems and the typical strain of having many young children including an infant and potty-training preschooler. BUT....I am so blessed! My children are amazing gifts. My husband is a gift. Having our family of seven is a gift. Every memory with each of my children is a gift. God has given me more than I could ever possibly deserve, and I try to focus on that every day. When I think about all that Gabby taught me, one of the most important things was that being a mother is a major privilege. It comes with lots of sacrifice and putting others first. So, no matter how tired I am or how many times I've been peed on, vomited on, or otherwise soiled....I will always find the joy that comes with knowing each one of my children is a precious gift from God. I love my children. I love being their mother, and I always will.

  

Choosing not to fling mud

It has been about 5 mos since I posted anything, but I have a few things I need to say today. It has been over 4 years since Gabby died, and it doesn't hurt any less. I'd like to say my life has been filled with lots of support since then, but it just isn't the case. Yes, I've had some and have been enormously grateful! But our family has faced a lot, so the support has been merely a drop in a very large bucket. Any mother who has ever watched her child die knows exactly what I mean. My life has been filled with many blessings, though. I now have FIVE amazing children that I adore! I have a home. My husband has a job. We have food to eat and vehicles that function (at least they do today LOL).

One of the most important things Gabby taught me was that there are things in life that really matter, and there are things in life that are just "junk" that serve to bring us down and cloud our view of God's plan. Going through everything I went through with Gabby (prenatal all the way to her death and the days beyond), I was given an opportunity to see many things clearly. The true colors of people in my life were quite vivid. Some were bright and amazing, bringing cheer and gentle love at a terrible time. Many of those colors were unexpected but so wonderful. Others were dark and repulsive, even the ones I'd expected to be quite the opposite.

Without going into details, I just need to say that God and Gabby give me the strength to remain true to myself and continue being a person of tact and decency. There are those in life who choose to get down in the mud and fling it everywhere in a pathetic attempt to salvage whatever is left of their "reputation", at the expense of their own self-respect. Those wolves in sheep's clothing need our prayers, as it has to be hard to look in the mirror every day after flinging so much mud. Those people remain in a perpetual state of denial and continually attempt to drag everyone down in the mud along with them. They are unable to look beyond their own need for attention and approval in order to do what is right and truthful. They show no tact and delight in the spotlight that their own dishonesty creates for them, at the expense of others. It is a sad, disheartening display of immaturity and self- absorption. They will continue to deceive and prey on the kindness of others who take the time to show them sympathy and a listening ear. They will, sadly, not care who they drag down along their path to make themselves appear victimized. They will go the extra mile to make sure their sheep suit is nice and clean, being sure to point it out to everyone around them. Their deceit will hurt others, but at the end of the day, they are the ones who will suffer the most.

Now, I say all this not to pretend I have never been one of those mud-flinging wolves. The truth is, we ALL have been guilty of it at one time or another. However, I choose to admit my fault, pray for God's forgiveness, and change my ways. I choose to stay out of that mud, no matter how much I would like to pull off the sheep suits of a few who try to drag me down. I choose to pray for those who continue to fling mud and for those who are so blinded by those shiny white sheep suits that they don't see all the mud and fangs beneath. I pray for the truth to be revealed, as God intends, so that those who make a habit of flinging mud may become free from the hate that keeps them from happiness.

Just another afternoon

So....you're almost 35 weeks pregnant and have a "bad back." Every step is a struggle and just plain hurts. You finally manage to get your protesting toddler into his car seat to go pick up your kiddos from school. Then he falls asleep for 5 minutes on the way to school, since he doesn't nap any longer. You get there and must then carry in 29 lbs. of dead weight across the parking lot to the doors since your child's school has no parent pick up line and the close spaces have been taken up by those who don't have young children to bring with them. You get inside and your toddler wakes up crying, in a horrible mood, and then tries to run off down the hallway into the school bldg. You manage to snag the back of his shirt (a small miracle since you certainly cannot chase him!) and then get his arm when he decides to drop to the floor in a full-blown 2-year-old tantrum. Since people need to walk through the hallway, you force your very pregnant belly and bad back to bend over and lift your 29 lb., screaming, flailing child out of the floor. You take several hard kicks to the stomach and then hold back the tears from the pain as you carry your wild child back to the designated waiting area in the cafeteria. As soon as you attempt to sit down, he tries to run again. So you pick him up and try your best to distract and calm him. After a few rounds of this, one of your children FINALLY shows up. You then go outside to wait for your other child to get off the bus from the other school. Your escape-crazed toddler decides to run as fast as he can toward the bus loop because he wants to get on one of the busses. He loves anything with wheels! You are very thankful for your 8-year-old daughter since she tries to retrieve your toddler and help her mother who is hobbling along behind her. She manages to slow him down but is no match for his screaming and protesting. You catch up to them both and pick up your once-again flailing toddler. FINALLY your other child appears and you can leave! But it's a long walk to your vehicle with a toddler in tantrum mode. You can't set him down because there are cars coming and going and you know he will run. By the time you reach your vehicle, you are sweating like a mouse at a cat convention and are in too much pain to care about the stares you're getting from everyone passing by. You perform a WWF wrestling move to get your toddler into his car seat because that it THE LAST place he wants to be. You drag yourself into the driver's seat and leave school, breathing like you just climbed Mt. Everest. Your older children start to argue and you tell them if they ever want to watch another minute of TV in their lives, they better not say another word. You get 5 minutes down the road and then realize....your gas tank is on empty. You pull off, turn your vehicle around, and pray that God helps you make it back to the gas station. Amazingly, you make it to the gas station, send up a word of thanks, and turn to tell your two older children.....tomorrow...you're riding the BUS!

Meet Gizmo!

Little Gizmo has quite a story of survival! He was born to a stray that visits our garage, about 4 weeks ago.  She had four kittens, but one was stillborn. A week or so later, two of the others got a serious upper resp. infection and died. The very protective momma cat would not allow me to get near her to take away the kittens that had passed. Sadly, I can relate to her reluctance to give up her babies, even in death. It broke my heart to see her cuddling with those two kittens, and hovering over them as any protective mother would. Little Gizmo was the smallest of the litter. Suddenly, he no longer heard the cries of his siblings. He stayed close to his mother and he too still tried to cuddle his deceased siblings, desperate for warmth and familiarity. Finally, after two days momma cat seemed to understand that her babies were gone. I was able to take the two kittens away for burial. Momma cat temporarily seemed to want nothing to do with little Gizmo. I was afraid I would be bottle-feeding a tiny kitten, round the clock. Thankfully, Gizmo's mother welcomed him back and has been taking excellent care of him ever since. I check on Gizmo throughout the day, every day. Gizmo and his mother have a nice warm area with a heat lamp in the garage, but I still worry that they might be cold. So, the girls and I bring Gizmo inside for brief visits, to get him used to being handled and to socialize with other cats. He is still so small but such an adorable little survivor! Gizmo needs a few more weeks with momma cat before being adopted, but we are proceeding with the process of trying to find the right home for him. Hopefully, once he is weaned, we will be able to get his mother to the low-cost spay/neuter clinic.

If you are interested in giving little Gizmo a loving, forever home, let me know. This little guy has been through a lot. He is a fighter and a survivor. He deserves a wonderful home! 

I am a mother of FOUR!

As any grieving mother knows, there is one question that never fails to create a stir of emotion. "How many children do you have?" The dreaded question! I know my answer may surprise a few, but at this point in my life...the answer is FOUR. No, I am not so out of touch with reality that I have some weird assumption that my deceased daughter is still here with me, physically. Trust me; I am VERY aware of her absence. But she is still my daughter. I am still her mother. We are separated, only temporarily. I have carried FOUR children to term (or nearly to term). I have given birth (one way or another) FOUR times. I have nursed (both literally and figuratively) FOUR children. I have FOUR baby books...FOUR keepsake boxes....and FOUR sets of memories of going to the hospital and meeting my newest child. I remember FOUR first smiles...first giggles...first time sleeping through the night, etc. I celebrate FOUR children's birthdays and FOUR children are always on my mind and in my heart. I AM A MOTHER OF FOUR! When older children go away to college or elsewhere, a mother does not stop including those children in her count when she answers the "how many children do you have" question. So why should I? I am not delusional. I am not crazy. I am just a blessed mother of FOUR and unless God chooses to somehow add to that number, that is what I will forever be!

DETERMINATION

Wow, has it really been nearly 9 months since I posted here? Life has sure been busy, but what a blessing! So many people have asked me about my weight loss and how I’ve managed to lose 43 lbs. I decided to write about it with the hope that it might help at least one person to begin to make the changes that will lead to a healthier life.

WHAT WENT WRONG

I was a slender child and teen and always active. My wedding dress (married at age 20) was a size 3. Then in my early 20s, I started having some health issues. My weight started going up, as my confidence went down. I married a man who could eat ANYTHING and not gain a pound. Infertility didn’t help. The meds helped me put on even more weight. Then, after 3 years of trying, I became pregnant with McKenna. About 20 weeks into the pregnancy, I started having horrible back pain. I knew pregnancy was supposed to come with back pain, but this was really, really bad. After delivery, it improved some but still caused problems from time to time. During my 2^nd pregnancy, it was worse. I was trying to care for a toddler and sometimes unable to walk. I remember crawling around the house some days to take care of McKenna because I just couldn’t get around any other way. I started using a cane on really bad days, and lifting McKenna was often enough to bring tears to my eyes. I tried physical therapy, but it didn’t do much. Doctors kept telling me it was just typical pelvic separation pain from pregnancy. I know now that it was much more than that. During my pregnancy with Gabby, it was worse. And when I was pregnant with Lincoln, I ended up in a wheelchair and using a walker sometimes. It wasn’t until after he was born that I found out about the L5 fracture, disc slippage, and other issues. I had 3 epidural steroid injections with the hope of avoiding or at least delaying spinal fusion surgery (and that is still uncertain). Exercising had been painful for years, so I certainly didn’t do much of it. Added to the mix was joint/muscle problems and the mental stress that comes with losing a child. After years of being unable to do so, I finally had a sleep study and discovered moderate-severe sleep apnea and periodic limb movement disorder. I had to start using a CPAP machine because my brain was being deprived of oxygen during sleep. No wonder I was always sooooooo tired! For two years, I struggled with gallbladder issues. I had daily pain and attacks (some near as painful as childbirth or maybe worse), and never could get a doctor to look at my gallbladder because the lab results did not point to an issue. FINALLY, I got the right doc and an ultrasound showed a ton of gallstones and an enlarged spleen (still have to have my spleen checked). Surgery was scheduled, and I FINALLY got rid of that darn gallbladder three weeks ago. No more daily abdominal pain! Dealing with that pain in addition to everything else had really started to take a toll on me.

There have been many times when I thought about having weight loss surgery. But I knew that the surgery would do nothing for me if I did not first conquer the obstacles in my mind. I don’t believe in quick fixes, at least for myself. I knew that weight loss surgery should be a LAST RESORT, and I knew I hadn’t really put everything I had into trying to get healthier. Sure, I’d “tried” a few times. Sure, I could have told the doctors that nothing would work for me, but I knew that would be cheating myself. I do believe there are situations where people really do need weight loss surgery. Some people simply cannot lose weight by eating smarter and exercising more. And some people are not physically able to exercise. Some people do not have the mental ability to eat smarter. There’s nothing wrong with that, and in those situations, surgery is a very valid option. But for me, surgery just wasn’t needed.

It seems that everywhere we look, there are diet pills, plans, and magic potions up for grabs for just the right price. Most of the time, those things are just a bunch of hogwash. There are some very helpful programs like Weight Watchers, for example. But even those things are not usually necessary. It all comes down to hard work and determination.

A DOSE OF REALITY AND INSPIRATION

After being prescribed the CPAP machine, I started to really think about my health. I was heavier than ever and had somehow put on about 20 lbs. after each baby. One day I was thinking about Gabby and what a fighter she was. Then it occurred to me that I was a fighter too. I’d been told that the child I was carrying had major complex heart defects and Down syndrome. I’d cared for her while she was medically fragile and fought like crazy to make sure she was getting the care she needed through early intervention. I’d handed her over to surgeons to let them cut her open and stop her heart. I’d held her in my arms as she died. I’d made her funeral arrangements and stood by her tiny lifeless body at the services. I'd gone home to her empty room, all her things, and so many memories. I’d watched her big sisters cry for her and endure the nightmares and fears that go along with losing a sibling and realizing CHILDREN CAN DIE TOO. After all I’d been through, I was still standing. I had not turned to drugs or alcohol. I had not given up on life. I was still fighting every day to get up out of the bed, put on a smile, and take care of my 3 living children and all their unique needs. I realized what a huge accomplishment that was and that I was stronger than I’d ever known. That’s when it hit me; I CAN get myself in better shape. If I can watch my daughter DIE and still have enough of my mind left to raise 3 other children, I can do just about anything. I knew God would be there every step of the way, and I prayed for His help. I knew He’d been there to hold me up through everything I’d endured so far. I knew Gabby would want me to feel better and enjoy raising her siblings. I HAD to do this. I HAD to get healthier…for me…for Gabby…and for my family.

THE FIRST STEPS

So, I started small. First, I decided to eliminate all soda and juice. I’d never been much of a soda drinker before, but Jason buys it from time to time. I’d have a glass of Pepsi occasionally and I probably drank juice once or twice a day. I knew that was a lot of calories that I didn’t need. So for one week, I drank no soda and no juice. Interestingly, a week later I’d lost a couple of pounds and gained a whole lot of confidence. The next week, I decided to cut out chips. I had become very fond of sitting down with a bag of chips and a jar of dip and eating until I just couldn’t eat any more. I knew that was so unhealthy, so I stopped. A week later, I added yet another “rule.” I would ONLY eat salads at fast food restaurants. No burgers and fries. At some point, I also stopped eating anything after dinner. I’d been in the habit of snacking until bedtime, and I was adding so many calories that way. It had to stop. After 35.5 years of not drinking coffee, I started drinking it (decaf of course). Rather than eating after dinner, I’d drink coffee or green tea and sweeten it with zero-calorie Splenda. With each new “rule”, I became more and more confident. I began to realize that I COULD change things. I began to believe in myself. I began to see junk food as toxic and something that was standing in the way of me taking care of my family. I started to crave GOOD foods.

CRITICAL POINT

Before I knew it, I’d dropped 10 lbs. Then I hit a bit of a plateau and thought I’d never get past it. I know now that I was at a critical point. In the past, that’s when I would have given up and grabbed a bag of chips to eat away my disappointment. But this time…I just didn’t. I kept on going. In fact, I started adding some exercise. I did some of my physical therapy exercises and gradually increased the intensity. Then I registered with a free website called everydayhealth dot com. I was able to track every calorie, and I quickly learned that it was crucial to getting healthier. I tracked EVERY SINGLE THING I ate. I started out at 1800 calories per day. I have adjusted that since then, as a lighter body needs less calories. I am now limiting myself to 1500 calories per day. I won’t lie. Sometimes I’d give my pinky toe to have a McDonald’s cheeseburger and fries. The cravings are intense sometimes, as my body is still trying to adjust to the changes. But every time I get discouraged or feel weak, I remind myself of Gabby and how I am one very strong woman to be able to put one foot in front of the other after all I’ve been through. Everyone has something that can inspire them. Maybe you’ve survived cancer. Maybe you’ve made it through a very low point in life. Maybe you’ve raised a family and watched them blossom as adults. Maybe you’ve kicked a drug habit or helped someone else when they were in a very tough situation. Whatever you’ve accomplished in life…let THAT inspire you. If you could do those things, you can do THIS! God can and will help too!

GET MOVING

After a month or so, I decided I HAD to add some kind of cardio workout. We don’t have the money (or the time) for me to join a gym. We have no space or funds for exercise equipment. So, I just put on my tennis shoes and hit the road. Jason mowed me a path through the field behind our house. It leads to a dead-end road where only one family lives. I can walk the roads near my house and sometimes never even meet a vehicle. Gotta love rural! At first, I was afraid of what the walking would do to my back. And yes, there are times when it just plain hurts. BUT…the fresh air and the exercise are doing wonders for me. Part of my walk is uphill, and I love the strain it puts on my legs because I know it is making me a healthier person. When I get to the top of the hill, there are some pretty amazing views. That makes it worth the walk, and I love seeing rabbits and other little critters out and about. I am a country girl, through and through, and being able to see the beautiful, peaceful farmland is such a blessing. At first, I started walking for only 5 minutes. I’m serious. Just 5 minutes! Now, I am up to a 20 minute walk. And I’m talking serious walking the entire time…not stopping to rest here and there.  Four months ago, a walk like that would have probably left me unable to move for about a week. Now, it seems like a minimal challenge, and I know I will continue to increase my walking distance every time. I try to walk 4-5 times per week, and I LOVE to walk at dusk when it is cooler and Lincoln is already in bed for the night. Sometimes the girls go with me. It’s great for them, and I enjoy their company. Other times, I just HAVE to get away by myself. I’ve come to actually ENJOY this exercise, and it does not feel like a chore at all. It’s a real treat! And I am so thankful that I am ABLE to walk even if it does come with some pain. I’ve been pretty immobile and the ability to walk is something I will never again take for granted. 

Cardio is so, so important. If you are able to join a gym and have the time to go, you are truly blessed. Take advantage of it. If you live in an area where it is not safe to walk the roads, walk inside your house. Make laps around the living room. Climb the stairs over and over if you have stairs. Just get moving! Having a toddler to chase really helps too.  :-)  I often tell Jason that Lincoln is part of my exercise routine because I know I burn a good deal of calories while keeping up with him and keeping him out of things.

QUALITY, NOT JUST QUANTITY

While it is extremely important to count calories, all calories are not the same. I could get my 1500 calories per day in ice cream, but that wouldn’t do much for my body. Whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and HEALTHY fats are so important. I don’t eat bread much at all now, but if I do, it is the 100% whole grain, sugar-free type. For “dessert”, I usually try to have a fresh fruit or low-calorie “treat” of some kind. Fudgsicles are great! The “no sugar added” kind have only 40 calories. When I eat one, I feel like I’ve had my chocolate but I’m not loading up on calories. Still, a better choice for dessert is fresh fruit, natural applesauce, low-fat light yogurt, or maybe 2-3 small pieces of DARK chocolate (I like Dove). My former self considered cakes, cookies, and pies to be desserts. And I think it is FINE to occasionally indulge (within reason). It just can’t be a daily thing. I allow myself one meal per week in which I do not count calories. It would be quite easy for me to just go wild with that meal and end up eating 1000 calories before I even realized, but I’ve discovered that all the work I’ve put into my new, healthier self causes me to think twice before I stuff that 4^th piece of pizza in my mouth. Even when I “indulge”, I make good choices and don’t go too far off course. And I try not to stress out over it. If it causes me to gain a pound, it’s not the end of the world.  Again, cutting soda and juice can make so much difference and really help with the ability to be able to “indulge” from time to time. Other than 8 oz. of 1% milk per day, I drink NOTHING other than calorie-free drinks (water, drinks sweetened with Splenda).

Fats are important too! But fats need to come from sources such as olive oil, fish, and nuts. I LOVE baked or grilled tilapia fillets with fresh dill from the garden! YUM! I try to eat some type of fish at least 3 times per week. But it needs to be baked or grilled - not fried and breaded. Nuts are such a great source of protein and healthy fats. I LOVE natural almonds as a snack.

As we all know, salads are wonderful! But if we’re not careful, we’ll pack on hundreds of calories with toppings. Stick to lots of greens and other fresh veggies, about 1-2 T of a LIGHT, FAT-FREE dressing (I like Kraft’s raspberry vinaigrette),  and a bit of protein from either a low-fat cheese or natural nuts. If you get a salad from a fast food restaurant, find out how many calories it has. Remember to add the calories for the dressing. While the salads are definitely better choices than burgers, they can have more calories than you expect. Just KNOW what you are eating, so you can keep an eye on your daily intake.

THE NUMBERS

There are still times when the numbers on the scale just won’t budge. It is very frustrating, but it happens. I’ve found that it can sometimes take a week or more to get past a “plateau.” In fact, recently, I gained 2 lbs. and those stubborn 2 lbs. just wouldn’t go away! Finally, the numbers started dropping again and then they kept on going down. Plateaus cause me to question my ability. I start to panic a bit and think, “Oh no! I’m going to gain all the weight back!” But I have learned to ignore them.  Be bigger than the plateau! Don’t let it intimidate you. Just keep going. Stay focused, and remind yourself that the numbers are NOT what matters. It’s all about how you feel and those little things you start to notice, like being able to cross your legs without pain for the first time in years or climbing a flight of stairs without gasping for breath.

STILL GOING

I know I have already climbed quite a mountain by losing 43 lbs in 4 months. But I do not feel like my weight loss has ended. My new healthy habits are permanent changes, so I try not to fixate on what the scale shows. My body will eventually reach a comfortable weight and remain there as long as I stick with my new lifestyle and remain fairly healthy. I don’t know what that ultimate number will be. Let’s face it. I’m nearly 36 years old and I’ve carried FOUR babies and have had 2 c-sections and a gallbladder removal in the past 3 years. The word “flat” is never going to apply to my tummy without the help of plastic surgery. I certainly don’t have the money for that, and I don’t know that I’d do it even if I did. So, I will just have to love all the stretch marks and “baby fat” and try not to worry about the visible results of my new habits. If I feel healthier and am healthier, that’s all that matters. My children don’t need me to be a size 3.  They just need me to be able to play with them and have the energy to raise them in the best way possible and be there for them when they have their own families someday. I intend to be that grandma that stays and helps until they run me off! I know my habits could still use improvement. I know there are more things I could do to be even healthier, and I am learning every day. I think Gabby would be proud of her momma, and that means so much to me. The real tragedy in losing Gabby would be to let it destroy me. I won’t. I refuse. Instead, I choose to let her inspire me. We all have choices to make every day, and we must take responsibility for those choices. I choose to show the world that out of great loss can come inspiration and hope. I choose to fight rather than give up and give in to things that just aren’t healthy or right. That’s what I want to teach my children, after all, so it is up to me to keep going and show them that even the most horrible grief isn’t a reason to stop fighting for what is right.

To be fair, I should mention that I was 6 months pregnant with Lincoln in the "Before" pic, but within 6 months of delivery, I'd gained back almost all the weight I'd lost since having him.

**In loving memory of Gabrielle Rae “Gabby” Merrick (July 11^th, 2009 to November 20^th, 2009).**