First of all, many may wonder why I say "FIVE" children rather than four. Let me explain. I have carried FIVE children for the duration of pregnancy. I have been to the hospital to welcome my new little one FIVE times. I have FIVE sets of memories of first smiles, first coos, and first giggles. In my home, there are FIVE keepsake totes and FIVE baby books. Some would say, "Yes, but you only have FOUR children living with you." That is true in a physical sense. But in a spiritual sense, it isn't true. While Gabby is not in my arms or skipping through the house in her tutu, she is in my heart. She is part of me. She is always in my thoughts...every single day. And let me assure you that the burden of losing her weighs more heavily on me than any obligation or duty that comes with any of each of my four other children. It takes my energy just the same (if not more) as changing diapers, fixing snacks, cleaning up messes, helping with homework, and being a shuttle to and from extracurricular activities. It is far more difficult to handle than having a child that is simply away at college or otherwise out of the nest. And how many parents do you know who stop counting their child once he/she leaves for college? So when I say I have FIVE children, I don't mean I have FIVE children physically living with me. But let me assure you that I do have FIVE children, and failing to acknowledge that would be wrong on so many levels. If others who have lost children choose not to mention their lost child when asked how many children they have, so be it. We each handle things differently. But I will never exclude Gabby, as she is just as much my child as any of my others. I am separated from her only temporarily.
Saying life with five children is very busy would be a huge understatement. It is really hard to explain to anyone who has never experienced it. Having younger children makes it even more chaotic, especially at the young age of 37 (and I'm talking about age 37 after having five children and losing one of them). While one is not far from her teen years, one is still eating every 3 hours and has no teeth yet. My days are packed with lots of diaper changes (cloth diapers are great but a lot of work), cleaning up various bodily fluids and unknown substances from the strangest of places, helping with homework, breaking up sibling fights, dishes, laundry, phone calls for various appointments, taxi service for school pick-up and after-school activities, fixing meals and snacks, making sure the older ones get chores done, helping with homework, the older ones' in-home therapy appointments, trying to figure out ways to make and save money (sewing, making homemade conditioner and other household products, couponing), praying, caring for pets, and sometimes managing to squeeze in enough time to shower or bathe. Days of wearing make-up and fixing my hair are rare. I have had only two manicures in my lifetime (and one was a gift for my wedding day). I have never had a pedicure. I've never set foot in a spa. I am lucky to get maybe 2 haircuts per year. I do not have time for girls night out or dates with my husband (a lack of childcare influences that too). I manage to get through all this, every day, with serious pain from what is left of my SI joints and all the issues going on with my back. My other health issues come into play as well. I have learned to do a very good job of hiding the pain, most of the time and from most people. Why? Because my children come first. My family comes first. Yes, I know, I know. Moms have to take care of themselves in order to take care of their children. I understand that and agree to a certain point. However, I also think there is a good bit of ridiculousness in that mindset when a mom puts their child's needs to the side in order to go to the spa or on vacation with the hubby. And to a child, a "need" may be something simple like having Mom attend a PTO performance or sit with her at bedtime to calm her fears after a rough day. When special needs are in the picture, this becomes even more important.
I start my day at 6:45- 7 AM and I go to bed around midnight or sometimes later. There are some exceptions to that when I pretty much pass out from exhaustion (usually still wearing my clothes from the day) after the three older kiddos are asleep and Daddy is having "bonding time" with Sadie Pearl. I wake up multiple times each night due to various health issues and kiddos getting up/waking.
Am I tired? Yes!!! All the time...due to health problems and the typical strain of having many young children including an infant and potty-training preschooler. BUT....I am so blessed! My children are amazing gifts. My husband is a gift. Having our family of seven is a gift. Every memory with each of my children is a gift. God has given me more than I could ever possibly deserve, and I try to focus on that every day. When I think about all that Gabby taught me, one of the most important things was that being a mother is a major privilege. It comes with lots of sacrifice and putting others first. So, no matter how tired I am or how many times I've been peed on, vomited on, or otherwise soiled....I will always find the joy that comes with knowing each one of my children is a precious gift from God. I love my children. I love being their mother, and I always will.
