10 weeks and growing!

I saw the doc this week and had my 2nd ultrasound. Baby Merrick is growing well (yay!). I was measuring a couple of days ahead (wonderful!) and the heartbeat was nice and strong at 169 beats per minute. Baby was moving around just a little. I will go for my next ultrasound on July 6th (11 days from now and yes I am counting the days!). I'm 10 weeks along today. Physically, I feel terrible, but I'm hanging in there and looking forward to January.

The girls are still trying to get over their tonsillectomies. Olivia has been fighting off bronchitis during her recovery, so it's been a little harder on her. She has also been waking up multiple times each night since the day of the procedure. We're not sure why. Hopefully in a few more days, they'll be back to "normal." And we're praying that Olivia's wakings are not an indication that she's returning to her old ways. It's only been about a year that she's been consistently sleeping through the night.

Olivia had her first therapy session yesterday, and McKenna saw the doc as well. They both have "homework" and are excited about that. The doctor asked me a multitude of questions yesterday, as we're getting closer to formal testing for McKenna.

Making a difference!

I spend a lot of time advocating for babies and children with Down syndrome and congenital heart defects. Recently, on a popular website forum, a woman wrote about how she would terminate her pregnancy if she received a Down syndrome diagnosis. Her reasoning was that she and her husband work full time and also love to travel. She said it would be too "overwhelming" for them to care for a child with special needs. When I started reading through the responses, I almost cried. People were responding to her by quoting me. Many of them had read Gabby's story and my many posts about Down syndrome and prenatal testing. They were telling the woman about Gabby and about what a blessing Gabby had been to so many people. They were also telling how they'd learned about prenatal testing from the info I'd shared. Many of their misconceptions had been clarified. I got chills as I read over the responses. It is quite amazing to see God take the seeds one plants and make them grow into something beautiful. I wasn't sure if the things I'd written had even registered with some of these women. Now, I know. I even had one woman who sent me a message last week in response to reading Gabby's story. She wrote:


"It impacted me in a way that I have never thought of the whole "I'd rather have her for a while than not at all" thing. My husband and I always discussed that if a child can't have a fulfilling life due to DS or anything like that, we would terminate the pregnancy. After hearing your story, i don't honestly think I could do it. My husband said something about how it isn't fair to the child, which, sure, I understand, but it's not fair to not give them a chance at ANY life because of the fear of taking responsibility for the life with or without complications. Little Gabby didn't know she was any different, and she enjoyed life just as any other child would. You are such a strong woman, and Gabby really has made a difference. Gabby has made me really question if it would be right to terminate a pregnancy based on something the child couldn't control. it just doesn't seem fair to me. Thank you so much for sharing your story; I never thought it would impact me the way it has. It makes me wonder "what if" and I don't think i will opt for the pre-screenings that my doc has offered...I don't think it would make a difference in my decision and no matter what, i would never love my child any less because of something like that; I would love them MORE. Children with needs like that NEED all the love in the world. Again, thank you so much. "


Advocating isn't an easy thing to do. On a daily basis, I encounter women who have or are getting ready to abort their baby because of Down syndrome. It rips my heart into shreds. One woman even told me that I had made Gabby suffer since I did not abort her while I was pregnant. Encounters where I hear things like that make me physically sick. But if I avoid those encounters, I also avoid a chance to make a difference. So, I rely on God to help me stomach the heartbreaking stories and continue sharing what He has given me to share. Gabby, we ARE making a difference, baby girl.

First EVER family vacation!

A couple of weeks ago, we took our long-awaited trip to Ohio. We had never been on any kind of family trip (not even for a weekend) or vacation. Jason and I haven't even been on a trip in the last 10 years. But being a stay-at-home-mom comes with some trade-offs. Our girls had been SO excited about staying in a hotel and swimming in the pool when Gabby was having her surgery. The Campbell House in Lex. had given us a very low medical rate because of the circumstances, so we were thrilled that the girls might get to visit us and do something they'd never done before. But since things didn't work out that way, we reeeeallly wanted to make it up to them by taking them to stay in a hotel. And we also took them to King's Island! They LOVED the hotel pool. The wave pool at King's Island was another favorite, as they'd never been to a water park before. McKenna had a bit of a rough time and wouldn't really ride anything (sensory issues with vestibular input), but she ADORED the water park area and would have stayed there all day. Olivia is a bit more of a risk taker and probably would have ridden the big coasters if she'd been tall enough. She and her Daddy enjoyed riding "The Flying Ace" in the kids' section. It's quite a coaster for a little one (your feet hang down), and Liv was JUST tall enough to ride. She loved it! Here are some pics from the trip!

Questions...

The girls and I were on our way home a few days ago when Olivia asked, "Mommy, how did Gabby die?" Her question seemed odd since we've gone over this so many times. But I began my usual explanation.

"Well, Olivia, the doctors fixed Gabby's heart, but then she got very sick. The doctors tried to make her better, but they couldn't. And she died and went to Heaven."

Olivia quickly responded, in an angry tone, "No mommy. I want to know how she died." I realized my generic explanation wasn't enough for my very bright 5-year-old. So I proceeded to tell how the doctors unhooked Gabby from the machines and placed her in my arms. I told about how she took a few breaths and then died. I did not get any more graphic than that, but I realized that Olivia NEEDED to be able to picture it in her mind. It was painful to have to describe that moment to her, but I knew it was very important. She immediately began to cry and repeatedly muttered, "I want Gabby back." It's moments like that when I am quickly brought back to reality and remember what an impact this has had on my girls' lives. This wasn't a pregnancy loss. This wasn't a baby they saw briefly in the hospital after delivery. This was their sister. They held her every day. They helped bathe her and dress her. They played little "baby games" with her and sang to her. They "taught" her to hold her toys and smiled back at her when she smiled at them. They saw their parents care for their baby sister, round the clock. They thought Gabby would be with them for the rest of their lives. They were so proud of her and had each developed a special relationship with her. Then....life changed.

I know the loss of a parent has to be extremely hard on a child, but in some ways, I think the loss of a sibling must be harder. It forces children, at such a young and tender age, to question their own futures. It makes them sadly aware that death is NOT just something that happens to "old people." That innocent sense of security that children have that tells them that they don't have to worry about death....it's gone.

McKenna has been in therapy for a while now, and Olivia will be starting this month. The therapist will be doing some formal testing on McKenna this summer, as she sees many of the symptoms of autism (Asperger syndrome to be exact). McKenna was already informally dx with AS by one child psychologist a few years ago, but we want testing and need to be more certain. We obviously don't want to be seeking treatment for an incorrect dx.

The girls are both scheduled to have their tonsils removed next week. Please keep them in your prayers. Unfortunately, this will not be a typical tonsillectomy situation.

As for baby Merrick #4, I am 8 weeks along now. I'm feeling lousy, physically, but I am not complaining. I've never been so happy to lose my appetite and feel generally awful. I've lost about 6 lbs and am hoping I'll safely lose some more weight, as I have with all my pregnancies. I am looking forward to my next ultrasound and am praying that we see an active little baby in there.

A few weeks ago, Gabby's tombstone was finally finished and set into place. I'm including a couple of pics of the girls on the day they saw the tombstone for the first time.