Questions...

The girls and I were on our way home a few days ago when Olivia asked, "Mommy, how did Gabby die?" Her question seemed odd since we've gone over this so many times. But I began my usual explanation.

"Well, Olivia, the doctors fixed Gabby's heart, but then she got very sick. The doctors tried to make her better, but they couldn't. And she died and went to Heaven."

Olivia quickly responded, in an angry tone, "No mommy. I want to know how she died." I realized my generic explanation wasn't enough for my very bright 5-year-old. So I proceeded to tell how the doctors unhooked Gabby from the machines and placed her in my arms. I told about how she took a few breaths and then died. I did not get any more graphic than that, but I realized that Olivia NEEDED to be able to picture it in her mind. It was painful to have to describe that moment to her, but I knew it was very important. She immediately began to cry and repeatedly muttered, "I want Gabby back." It's moments like that when I am quickly brought back to reality and remember what an impact this has had on my girls' lives. This wasn't a pregnancy loss. This wasn't a baby they saw briefly in the hospital after delivery. This was their sister. They held her every day. They helped bathe her and dress her. They played little "baby games" with her and sang to her. They "taught" her to hold her toys and smiled back at her when she smiled at them. They saw their parents care for their baby sister, round the clock. They thought Gabby would be with them for the rest of their lives. They were so proud of her and had each developed a special relationship with her. Then....life changed.

I know the loss of a parent has to be extremely hard on a child, but in some ways, I think the loss of a sibling must be harder. It forces children, at such a young and tender age, to question their own futures. It makes them sadly aware that death is NOT just something that happens to "old people." That innocent sense of security that children have that tells them that they don't have to worry about death....it's gone.

McKenna has been in therapy for a while now, and Olivia will be starting this month. The therapist will be doing some formal testing on McKenna this summer, as she sees many of the symptoms of autism (Asperger syndrome to be exact). McKenna was already informally dx with AS by one child psychologist a few years ago, but we want testing and need to be more certain. We obviously don't want to be seeking treatment for an incorrect dx.

The girls are both scheduled to have their tonsils removed next week. Please keep them in your prayers. Unfortunately, this will not be a typical tonsillectomy situation.

As for baby Merrick #4, I am 8 weeks along now. I'm feeling lousy, physically, but I am not complaining. I've never been so happy to lose my appetite and feel generally awful. I've lost about 6 lbs and am hoping I'll safely lose some more weight, as I have with all my pregnancies. I am looking forward to my next ultrasound and am praying that we see an active little baby in there.

A few weeks ago, Gabby's tombstone was finally finished and set into place. I'm including a couple of pics of the girls on the day they saw the tombstone for the first time.