Being a SAHM

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to me to be a "stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)." Before Jason and I ever got married, we had an agreement. We agreed that I would be a full-time SAHM and he would work outside the home. My Bachelor's degree is in Family Studies with an emphasis in child development. So while in college and just after college, I worked in many different childcare settings. What I experienced during those times just helped to solidify the decision Jason and I had made. I realize that there are some daycare/childcare settings that are great, but I also realize those are hard to find. I saw some very sad things while working in childcare - things I would NEVER want my children to experience. And having the educational background I had, I knew that those things could permanently damage a child. I wanted no part of it and knew God wanted me to be a SAHM. Had I chosen to work outside the home, our girls would have been in daycare. We have no option of a family member being the caretaker, and we would have both had M-F daytime work schedules. Daycare would have been our only option.

When we were finally able to have our first child, I quickly realized how difficult my new "job" was. McKenna's sensory issues (and possible Autism) were obvious from the beginning. She struggled when we tried to cradle her. She rarely made eye contact. She screamed and cried much of the time and would not go to sleep before 2-4 AM most nights. Then she was awake about every 30 minutes to nurse. For the first 4-5 months of her life, we got very little sleep. She also resisted napping, so there was no "nap when your baby naps" for me during the day. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep and from her almost constant need to nurse. We finally learned she had reflux issues and got her on meds for that. That helped a little. Finally, around 12 mos of age, she slept through the night for the first time. But she didn't do it consistently after that. It was hit and miss. By about 6-7 mos of age, she was down to one nap per day, and it wasn't a very long nap (30 minutes maybe). By 24 mos, she stopped napping completely.

With all of McKenna's issues, I had a really hard time in my new role as SAHM. And my own health problems didn't help things. Olivia had some similar issues when she was a baby, though they were not as severe as McKenna's. She too resisted sleep and because of oral aversions, she would not take a bottle until almost a year old. So even though I was exhausted and would have loved for Jason to be able to do some of the nighttime feedings, he couldn't.

There have been many days when I wished I could have gone to a job outside the home. Then maybe I would have had a lunch break. I could have actually sat down to eat without anyone climbing on me and without having to stop in the middle of my meal to clean up someone's bodily fluid. Maybe I could have gone to the bathroom when I needed to or at least without any children pounding on the door and crying for me to hurry up. Maybe I would have had more adult conversations. Maybe I would have brought home a paycheck and received a Christmas bonus. Maybe we could actually have vehicles that aren't falling apart. Maybe we could take vacations and weekend trips. Maybe I wouldn't still be wearing shirts that are 8-9 years old. Maybe we'd live in a house with more room, where we're not tripping over each other. Maybe we would buy our children new clothes rather than getting hand-me-downs and yard sale specials. Maybe..... But are all those things really necessary? Nope. Nobody really needs "new" clothes or vehicles, vacations, big houses, etc. When I have days when I think about those things and how nice they would be, I remember what I am getting instead. My girls know I am always here for them. If they are sick and need to be picked up from school, mommy is there in a flash. After school, mommy is here to help with homework and talk to them about their day. I never miss a parent/teacher conference. I go to school for special events. And when they are home from school, I am here to spend the day with them. We do crafts. We work on their academics when they want to. We read books together. We work puzzles and play board games. We eat our meals together. We work on their sensory problems. Yes, I know those things may sound somewhat unimportant, but I assure you they have a great impact on the girls. If Jason and I were both working, I would not be doing those things with my girls every day, and THAT would also have a major impact - in a negative way.

Please don't think I am against moms working outside the home. There are situations in which both parents can work outside the home and manage to have differing schedules so that they can still be the caregivers for their children on a daily basis. In some families, a grandparent is able to provide daily care that is a very close second to parental care. And in other situations, there may be an excellent childcare provider involved. Those situations can work beautifully, but those things are not options for us. I worked outside the home before having children. I remember how stressful it can be, and I have great respect for moms who are able to juggle both worlds. I also know that being a SAHM has been the hardest job I've ever had. Not only are there no breaks or monetary compensation, but the job comes with very little respect. So often I hear people say, "Oh, you 'just' stay at home with the kids?" There are no evaluations or performance awards. Many times people seem to view being a SAHM as less important than having a job outside the home. Lots of people fail to understand the long-term value and massive positive impact that the job has on the children and society in general. Some think the SAHM is avoiding "real" work and they fail to see her choice as a valid career choice. While moms that work outside the home are often patted on the back for their accomplishments, I don't think I've ever heard someone say to a SAHM, "Your kids are doing so well. You are a hard-working SAHM and are doing a wonderful job!" People often discuss occupational happenings with moms who work outside the home - what days/times they work, what things they encounter at work, their plans for more education or promotions. But I never hear, "So, how was your day, SAHM? What lessons did you teach your children today? Wow, I bet you were worn out from 14 hours alone with your little ones while YOU were sick! And you start at 6 AM tomorrow too? How many times did little Timmy vomit today? How many times was Susie awake during the night? How did she do on her behavior chart today? How was her therapy session?" Those things just don't get asked.

I just want to say that even though my health makes being a SAHM the best option for a variety of reasons, I would still make this choice even under different circumstances. For us, I believe it is the right choice. Yes, this past year has been the hardest and there have been many expenses that no parent should ever have to worry about. We have had to make some very difficult decisions that might have been avoided if our income was greater, the economy was better, or the unthinkable had not been a reality. But I still believe God wants me at home with my children. When I think about Gabby and think about what I would have missed if she had been in daycare (although that wasn't an option because of her susceptibility to heart infections), I just want to cry. I could have missed out on most of her life. And I know my girls' sensory issues would be far worse had it not been for the research I've done, the therapy sessions, and the time I've taken to learn how to help them manage their issues. I know of no daycare within 100 miles that would have taken the time to treat their needs with the care they required. So, while I have my days when I wish for the recognition and material things that mothers who work outside the home so often are able to acquire, I look at my girls and quickly remember that I'm doing what is right for me, my girls, and my family. And there is not a new car, house, or vacation anywhere in the world that I would trade for that.