Included

Recently, McKenna was doing some drawing. She LOVES to draw. She starting tearing off small pieces of paper from the pad. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was going to draw a picture for each person in our family. Later, I came back to find her little papers scattered on the table. Each one had a name at the top - "Mommy", "Daddy", "McKenna", "Olivia", "Gabby", and "Lincoln."

It warmed my heart to see that she still includes Gabby in our family, and I think she always will. She had such a short time with her, but I think it was long enough for her to feel like Gabby will always be her sister - just a sister that happens to live in Heaven. I also thought it was sweet that she made a picture for Lincoln. It truly made me think about how my girls have learned that a person has more value than what can be seen in the form of a human body. They have discovered that the true worth of a person revolves not around what can be seen but around what can be felt in one's heart.

"I know how you feel."

Perhaps my hormones are getting the better of me today. Or maybe it's just stress. I don't know. Either way, I'm just a little more than irritated by hearing someone tell me they know how I feel. Some people say, "I know just what you're going through because I too lost a child." And almost every time I hear that, it is from someone who had a miscarriage at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks, etc. THAT IS NOT THE SAME as losing Gabby! I also have people tell me they understand because their child was stillborn. But again, it is NOT the same as taking home a child and caring for her for almost 4.5 MONTHS. There are so many memories that I must also grieve...not just the loss of my child. I completely understand that a miscarriage and a stillbirth are horrible. I am NOT trying to say those things mean nothing. They are tragic forms of loss and those who experience those types of loss are truly hurting. However, it just isn't the same as losing an older infant or child.

I also recognize that my loss is probably not as hard to handle as losing a toddler or older child - after parenting that child for such a long time. I do not pretend to understand what that is like even though I can relate in some ways.

I suppose anger is a normal part of the grieving process. I just don't like it very much. :-) Perhaps with time and lots of prayers, this will get easier.

What's it like?

Since announcing my pregnancy, I've had lots of people ask me how I'm doing. Now, sometimes this is just a polite question about how the pregnancy is going, physically. But many times, people are concerned about my emotional state as well. They realize this pregnancy is a little different from the typical pregnancy. So I just thought I'd write a little about what it is like to be pregnant after losing an infant child and how different it is from my previous pregnancies.

* I always feel a bit surprised to hear the baby's heartbeat or see him on the ultrasound screen. It's as if my brain is telling me to be ready for the worst. I go into appointments expecting to hear bad news and have someone tell me my baby is no longer living. I know. That sounds awful, but it is very true. I miss the days when I would go to every prenatal appointment assuming everything was just fine. That doesn't happen anymore. When I see that things ARE okay, it's almost a shock to my system.

* I find myself feeling guilty when I plan for the future. When I think about my baby as a toddler or young child, an overwhelming feeling of shame comes over me. How dare I think so far ahead when nobody is guaranteed their next breath? How could I possibly be so naive as to think my baby will actually make it beyond infancy. Gabby didn't! So, why should this be any different? It feels as though thinking of this baby's future is ignoring what is a very real fact to me - babies die.

* When my girls talk about their baby brother and all the things they will do with him, I hesitate to discuss it with them. Yes, there are still times when they say things like, "If he lives long enough, we will...." But other times, they make plans as if everything will be just fine. And while I know in my heart it very well may be, my mind keeps me from allowing myself to give my girls what may be a false sense of security. I suppose it is my mind's way of protecting them from going through another loss like they've already been through.

* I find myself in a continual state of emotional conflict. I feel both horrific grief and immense joy at the same time, and it is perhaps one of the most confusing states a person can experience. The emotions are so far away from one another that their influence on me leaves me feeling like I am being dragged in two different directions.


You may be wondering why we even attempted to get pregnant so soon if I had any idea these feelings would surface. First of all, there is no way of understanding what this experience is like until a person goes through it for themselves. I did not know what it would be like - only that it would be difficult. Secondly, we never anticipated getting pregnant so soon. Our attempts to conceive have always been measured in years, so I certainly never dreamed it would take only 5 months this time! Had it taken a year or more, I would probably be better prepared to face these emotions. However, I do believe God knew exactly what He was doing by blessing us with this baby. And I also know He will get us through this pregnancy and even the most difficult emotions that go with it. In fact, this pregnancy may be helping to heal us even if we do not realize it.

Our Littlest Heroes photo session!

We were recently blessed to work with a very talented and compassionate photographer. Katie Lou Blanton is a local professional photographer. Being a mother of three herself, she has a great ability for working with little ones. We are so glad that we found Katie via the Littlest Heroes project and so grateful that she is committed to working with families served by the charity. She was kind enough to bring balloons for the girls and one for them to release for Gabby. Very thoughtful!

Our pictures are beautiful and I finally feel like I have a family photo that includes Gabby. I cannot even express what that means to me. Actually, I guess it's a photo of the six of us, since little Lincoln was there too. :-) Katie Lou has a sneak peek of our photos on her blog, and I just wanted to share the link here. I am so proud of these photos. Sometime in the near future, at least one of the pics will be on the Littlest Heroes website. Thanks Katie, and thanks Littlest Heroes for helping bring some joy to a very fragile family.

http://katielousphoto.blogspot.com/2010/08/blessings-ky-family-photographer.html

Boy, oh BOY!

Well our ultrasound showed a little something extra this time. :-) Yep. It's a boy! Lincoln Scott Merrick should be arriving in January. In addition to getting that news, I caught a glimpse of Lincoln's heart. I saw four distinct chambers - something we never saw in Gabby's heart. It was bittersweet to see that image, and I required some tissues after the ultrasound. Of course, we won't really know anything definitive until we have a fetal echocardiogram around 22 weeks. But so far, things look great.

McKenna and Olivia are thrilled. They say, "We have too many girls." So a little brother was just what they wanted. For me, I would have truly been thrilled either way. I didn't have a preference. In a way, I wanted a girl because I LOST a girl. But...I also wanted a boy since I have never had one. I just prayed a lot and figured God would give me just what I needed. He always has.

Little Lincoln was squirmy in there but not overly active. I'm hoping secretly that he may be a little more calm than his sisters. ;-)

First day of school!

Where did the summer go? Olivia started kindergarten today. She was so excited but also apprehensive. McKenna started 3rd grade. They both had a great day. My girls are growing up so fast!