What's it like?

Since announcing my pregnancy, I've had lots of people ask me how I'm doing. Now, sometimes this is just a polite question about how the pregnancy is going, physically. But many times, people are concerned about my emotional state as well. They realize this pregnancy is a little different from the typical pregnancy. So I just thought I'd write a little about what it is like to be pregnant after losing an infant child and how different it is from my previous pregnancies.

* I always feel a bit surprised to hear the baby's heartbeat or see him on the ultrasound screen. It's as if my brain is telling me to be ready for the worst. I go into appointments expecting to hear bad news and have someone tell me my baby is no longer living. I know. That sounds awful, but it is very true. I miss the days when I would go to every prenatal appointment assuming everything was just fine. That doesn't happen anymore. When I see that things ARE okay, it's almost a shock to my system.

* I find myself feeling guilty when I plan for the future. When I think about my baby as a toddler or young child, an overwhelming feeling of shame comes over me. How dare I think so far ahead when nobody is guaranteed their next breath? How could I possibly be so naive as to think my baby will actually make it beyond infancy. Gabby didn't! So, why should this be any different? It feels as though thinking of this baby's future is ignoring what is a very real fact to me - babies die.

* When my girls talk about their baby brother and all the things they will do with him, I hesitate to discuss it with them. Yes, there are still times when they say things like, "If he lives long enough, we will...." But other times, they make plans as if everything will be just fine. And while I know in my heart it very well may be, my mind keeps me from allowing myself to give my girls what may be a false sense of security. I suppose it is my mind's way of protecting them from going through another loss like they've already been through.

* I find myself in a continual state of emotional conflict. I feel both horrific grief and immense joy at the same time, and it is perhaps one of the most confusing states a person can experience. The emotions are so far away from one another that their influence on me leaves me feeling like I am being dragged in two different directions.


You may be wondering why we even attempted to get pregnant so soon if I had any idea these feelings would surface. First of all, there is no way of understanding what this experience is like until a person goes through it for themselves. I did not know what it would be like - only that it would be difficult. Secondly, we never anticipated getting pregnant so soon. Our attempts to conceive have always been measured in years, so I certainly never dreamed it would take only 5 months this time! Had it taken a year or more, I would probably be better prepared to face these emotions. However, I do believe God knew exactly what He was doing by blessing us with this baby. And I also know He will get us through this pregnancy and even the most difficult emotions that go with it. In fact, this pregnancy may be helping to heal us even if we do not realize it.