Difficult day

I have dreaded and anticipated this day for a long time. Today Lincoln is the exact same age as Gabby when she died. Up until now, I guess I've felt as though I could handle it if something happened to him. I know that may seem like a morbid thought, but a grieving mother has many thoughts that most will not understand. I know it is harder to say goodbye to a child the longer one has had to hold that child in their arms. The nightmares that I have are becoming more intense. When I think of all the wonderful times spent with Lincoln so far, I just cannot wrap my brain around the fact that I lost Gabby at this age...when so many memories had already been created. I cannot imagine life without Lincoln, but I couldn't imagine life without Gabby either....until I was forced to experience it. I see Lincoln smile, and I am reminded of Gabby's smile and how much I'd love to see it again.

It is hard to accept the fact that Lincoln is now aging beyond his big sister (in my mind, at least). When I look at photos of my children, Gabby will always be a baby. That is so difficult for my mind to process.

Please keep me in your prayers. Experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder along with what is most likely another round of postpartum depression is not easy....especially when caring for 3 children and dealing with some other health problems. Most days, it still feels like it was just yesterday that I lost Gabby. The pain certainly hasn't lessened, and I know it never will.

Today, as I hold Lincoln, I will recall the day I held Gabby in that PICU room as she took her last breaths. I will thank God that Lincoln is here. I will thank God for the time I had with Gabby and for her impact on the world. I will be reminded of what I have been through and how God has given me the strength to be able to function since that November day. I will pray for God's guidance as I move forward and grow more attached to Lincoln every day.

Mother's Day 2011

Today was such a special day. Last year, I sat in church during the baby dedication ceremony with my heart broken. I should have been participating with Gabby. Instead, I sat there with no baby in my arms and also knowing Jason and I were once again facing infertility issues. I felt some strange pains and just knew it meant another failed cycle of trying to conceive. I cried when a stuffed lamb and Bible were presented to Jason and I in memory of Gabby. After church, we visited the cemetery and I felt so much sadness. The next day, our 13th wedding anniversary, a home pregnancy test revealed an answer to so many prayers. PREGNANT!

Today Jason and I participated in the baby dedication ceremony with Lincoln. What a miracle! What a tremendous blessing to be holding my son in my arms today. I must admit that I felt like Gabby was right there with me, at least in spirit.

After church, we visited the cemetery. It was the closest I could get to having all four of my children together on Mother's Day. Lincoln had his first visit to big sister's grave. It was a very special moment.

My sweet little Gabby, I miss you so much today and always. I'm sending tons of hugs and kisses up to Heaven for you today. You are so missed, baby girl.