Difficult day

I have dreaded and anticipated this day for a long time. Today Lincoln is the exact same age as Gabby when she died. Up until now, I guess I've felt as though I could handle it if something happened to him. I know that may seem like a morbid thought, but a grieving mother has many thoughts that most will not understand. I know it is harder to say goodbye to a child the longer one has had to hold that child in their arms. The nightmares that I have are becoming more intense. When I think of all the wonderful times spent with Lincoln so far, I just cannot wrap my brain around the fact that I lost Gabby at this age...when so many memories had already been created. I cannot imagine life without Lincoln, but I couldn't imagine life without Gabby either....until I was forced to experience it. I see Lincoln smile, and I am reminded of Gabby's smile and how much I'd love to see it again.

It is hard to accept the fact that Lincoln is now aging beyond his big sister (in my mind, at least). When I look at photos of my children, Gabby will always be a baby. That is so difficult for my mind to process.

Please keep me in your prayers. Experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder along with what is most likely another round of postpartum depression is not easy....especially when caring for 3 children and dealing with some other health problems. Most days, it still feels like it was just yesterday that I lost Gabby. The pain certainly hasn't lessened, and I know it never will.

Today, as I hold Lincoln, I will recall the day I held Gabby in that PICU room as she took her last breaths. I will thank God that Lincoln is here. I will thank God for the time I had with Gabby and for her impact on the world. I will be reminded of what I have been through and how God has given me the strength to be able to function since that November day. I will pray for God's guidance as I move forward and grow more attached to Lincoln every day.