Imagine...

Imagine someone tells you they are going to kill a child and YOU are the only human being that can prevent it from happening.

Now, imagine you have struggled with years of infertility treatments, surgeries, etc. You KNOW what a miracle every child is.

Imagine you held one of your own children as she died and were willing to take her place without question.

Now add to this the fact that the child that is going to be killed has some very major things in common with the child you lost.

Given this scenario, how do you feel? Confused? Overwhelmed? Sad? Hopeful? Terrified?

Well I certainly felt all of these things and more recently. In the advocacy work that I do, I encountered a woman who is pregnant with a baby boy. The baby has just been diagnosed with the same heart defect Gabby had and Down syndrome. The woman lives in another state, far from KY. When I first talked with her, she was planning on terminating/aborting. I gave her some info about Down syndrome and heart defects. I shared Gabby's story. I told her Gabby's case was rare and that most babies with DS and heart issues do just fine after surgery (very true). The woman and I sent each other a multitude of messages, discussing some very emotional and in-depth stuff. I had (and still have) great compassion for her and her situation. While I truly adored Gabby and always will, I do remember how difficult it was when we found out about her heart and her Down syndrome. It was a very frightening and confusing time. At the time, it was probably the hardest time of my life.

After many discussions with this woman, she told me she wanted ME to adopt her child. She said she would not choose the adoption route unless Jason and I would agree to adopt her baby boy. I gave her all the info about the Down syndrome adoption program in the United States. But she was not interested. She said she would abort her child unless Jason and I would agree to take him. She said she could tell that I obviously loved Gabby deeply and would be an excellent mother to her child because I would love him like nobody else. Though terrified of adding another child while Lincoln is so young and with all we face with the girls, I began to make plans. I started to do my adoption research once again. Jason and I have considered adoption for many years - starting around 2000, when we'd been struggling with infertility for quite some time. In fact, this is where McKenna's name came from. It was the name of a child I saw on an adoption website. Over the years, we've checked into adoption several times. After Gabby died, I felt a calling to adopt a baby with Down syndrome. I had a telephone conference with the woman in charge of the Down syndrome adoption program. We got the paperwork and I started on it - with lots of prayers that God would help us get some of the grants available to those adopting a child with Down syndrome. Then...much to our surprise...we found out we were expecting Lincoln. I put the papers aside and stopped doing my research on adoption.

Recently, when I thought we'd finally be adopting, I started to let my heart get attached to this little unborn baby on the other side of the country. So much went through my mind. Where will he sleep since we have a 3 BR house and already have 5 people here? Will he be so close in age with Lincoln that it will be overwhelming because of his special needs? Will I be able to hand over another child for open-heart surgery after what I've been through? How will this affect the girls, especially if I lose another child? How will I handle grieving over Gabby and welcoming a child with so many issues like Gabby had? Do I have all the clothes and things this baby will need? How will I handle this with the health issues I have? Basically some of the same questions I asked myself when we got Gabby's diagnoses were popping up all over again. But once again, I knew God would take care of us as He always has. I knew I did not encounter this woman by chance. I knew I was doing the right thing even if it was something others might just view as a "mess" that I should totally avoid. I just kept picturing this little baby and thinking of how he needed me. And I kept thinking of how much I wanted him. I realized that there are few people that would want this baby the way I want him.

After a lot of discussions with this woman, she wanted to know more about my religious beliefs. The discussion turned to abortion. I shared my very pro-life views and also my faith in God. The woman became angered even though I presented my beliefs in a very non-threatening way. Out of the blue, the woman used some profanity and told me to go away. I have not heard from her since. Her abortion is scheduled for July 1st. She will be around 20 weeks along. She feels that death is better for her baby than living with Down syndrome. As horrible as that seems to me, it is not surprising since nearly 94% of women with a prenatal Down syndrome diagnosis choose to end their pregnancies. The world views certain babies as disposable, and that sickens me. I am no Biblical scholar, but I am fairly certain God did not say only "typical" babies were created in His image. We are ALL created in His image, and we ALL have value to God. This little unborn baby is just as important as any of my children...any of YOUR children...any of us.

I have been sad about this for obvious reasons. McKenna picked up on this and asked me what was wrong. Though I did not tell her anything about abortion, I told her there was a woman pregnant with a little baby that has Down syndrome and heart defects like Gabby had and that the woman doesn't want her baby. McKenna looked angry and said, "Mommy, every baby is special. Even if it is born with no foot or 3 arms or whatever....they are ALL special. Why wouldn't someone want a sweet little baby? That's not very nice, Mommy." I am so proud of McKenna. My response was, "I don't know honey. It's just not right. We need to pray for the baby and for the woman."

I am left heartbroken over this but know I did all I could do. I ask that you pray for this woman and this precious little baby who may never have his chance at life.

Enjoying baby brother!

Little Lincoln is 5 months old now. I can honestly say, we're enjoying every single day with this little man. That's the funny thing about losing a child; it makes you truly learn to soak up every last drop of joy in each moment with your children that remain on Earth. I find happiness in the moments that seem boring and insignificant to so many mothers. I kiss him and then I give him another kiss...just because...our next breath is never a sure thing. I find myself continually in awe of the blessings God has given me in each of my children. That alone is an amazing gift.

McKenna finished 3rd grade and received 4 awards (reading, creative writing, social studies, and the principal's award). She had the highest score in her class (or possibly 3rd grade) on end-of-the-year assessment testing, even though she is the youngest in her grade. McKenna had to overcome a lot this past year, and she has a long way to go. Every day brings many challenges for her and for Jason and I as we parent her, but she is a beautiful, intelligent, hard-working little girl. She is amazing!

Olivia graduated from kindergarten with 3 awards (reading, music, and the principal's award). She is doing VERY well in school. She went to 1st grade this past year for reading, and from what we've heard, she will most likely be in a 1st/2nd grade split class next year.

Mr. Lincoln is growing well. He'll be going back to the cardiologist some time next month to check on his ASD. We're praying for good news.

The girls are so in love with Lincoln. They STILL fight over who gets to hold him or help with his bottles. McKenna has made a few comments that make me think she has a greater appreciation for Lincoln because of losing Gabby. She seems to have a very special bond with Lincoln, and that is very unique for McKenna. One of her favorite things to do is "babysit" by sitting on my bed with Lincoln. She gets so excited about it and will just sit there for 30 minutes or longer, "playing" with Lincoln. He is thrilled by it, and McKenna is too. They are quite a pair! It is so sweet to see the girls enjoying their baby brother so much. They sometimes tell him stories about Gabby, and that warms my heart.