DETERMINATION

Wow, has it really been nearly 9 months since I posted here? Life has sure been busy, but what a blessing! So many people have asked me about my weight loss and how I’ve managed to lose 43 lbs. I decided to write about it with the hope that it might help at least one person to begin to make the changes that will lead to a healthier life.

WHAT WENT WRONG

I was a slender child and teen and always active. My wedding dress (married at age 20) was a size 3. Then in my early 20s, I started having some health issues. My weight started going up, as my confidence went down. I married a man who could eat ANYTHING and not gain a pound. Infertility didn’t help. The meds helped me put on even more weight. Then, after 3 years of trying, I became pregnant with McKenna. About 20 weeks into the pregnancy, I started having horrible back pain. I knew pregnancy was supposed to come with back pain, but this was really, really bad. After delivery, it improved some but still caused problems from time to time. During my 2^nd pregnancy, it was worse. I was trying to care for a toddler and sometimes unable to walk. I remember crawling around the house some days to take care of McKenna because I just couldn’t get around any other way. I started using a cane on really bad days, and lifting McKenna was often enough to bring tears to my eyes. I tried physical therapy, but it didn’t do much. Doctors kept telling me it was just typical pelvic separation pain from pregnancy. I know now that it was much more than that. During my pregnancy with Gabby, it was worse. And when I was pregnant with Lincoln, I ended up in a wheelchair and using a walker sometimes. It wasn’t until after he was born that I found out about the L5 fracture, disc slippage, and other issues. I had 3 epidural steroid injections with the hope of avoiding or at least delaying spinal fusion surgery (and that is still uncertain). Exercising had been painful for years, so I certainly didn’t do much of it. Added to the mix was joint/muscle problems and the mental stress that comes with losing a child. After years of being unable to do so, I finally had a sleep study and discovered moderate-severe sleep apnea and periodic limb movement disorder. I had to start using a CPAP machine because my brain was being deprived of oxygen during sleep. No wonder I was always sooooooo tired! For two years, I struggled with gallbladder issues. I had daily pain and attacks (some near as painful as childbirth or maybe worse), and never could get a doctor to look at my gallbladder because the lab results did not point to an issue. FINALLY, I got the right doc and an ultrasound showed a ton of gallstones and an enlarged spleen (still have to have my spleen checked). Surgery was scheduled, and I FINALLY got rid of that darn gallbladder three weeks ago. No more daily abdominal pain! Dealing with that pain in addition to everything else had really started to take a toll on me.

There have been many times when I thought about having weight loss surgery. But I knew that the surgery would do nothing for me if I did not first conquer the obstacles in my mind. I don’t believe in quick fixes, at least for myself. I knew that weight loss surgery should be a LAST RESORT, and I knew I hadn’t really put everything I had into trying to get healthier. Sure, I’d “tried” a few times. Sure, I could have told the doctors that nothing would work for me, but I knew that would be cheating myself. I do believe there are situations where people really do need weight loss surgery. Some people simply cannot lose weight by eating smarter and exercising more. And some people are not physically able to exercise. Some people do not have the mental ability to eat smarter. There’s nothing wrong with that, and in those situations, surgery is a very valid option. But for me, surgery just wasn’t needed.

It seems that everywhere we look, there are diet pills, plans, and magic potions up for grabs for just the right price. Most of the time, those things are just a bunch of hogwash. There are some very helpful programs like Weight Watchers, for example. But even those things are not usually necessary. It all comes down to hard work and determination.

A DOSE OF REALITY AND INSPIRATION

After being prescribed the CPAP machine, I started to really think about my health. I was heavier than ever and had somehow put on about 20 lbs. after each baby. One day I was thinking about Gabby and what a fighter she was. Then it occurred to me that I was a fighter too. I’d been told that the child I was carrying had major complex heart defects and Down syndrome. I’d cared for her while she was medically fragile and fought like crazy to make sure she was getting the care she needed through early intervention. I’d handed her over to surgeons to let them cut her open and stop her heart. I’d held her in my arms as she died. I’d made her funeral arrangements and stood by her tiny lifeless body at the services. I'd gone home to her empty room, all her things, and so many memories. I’d watched her big sisters cry for her and endure the nightmares and fears that go along with losing a sibling and realizing CHILDREN CAN DIE TOO. After all I’d been through, I was still standing. I had not turned to drugs or alcohol. I had not given up on life. I was still fighting every day to get up out of the bed, put on a smile, and take care of my 3 living children and all their unique needs. I realized what a huge accomplishment that was and that I was stronger than I’d ever known. That’s when it hit me; I CAN get myself in better shape. If I can watch my daughter DIE and still have enough of my mind left to raise 3 other children, I can do just about anything. I knew God would be there every step of the way, and I prayed for His help. I knew He’d been there to hold me up through everything I’d endured so far. I knew Gabby would want me to feel better and enjoy raising her siblings. I HAD to do this. I HAD to get healthier…for me…for Gabby…and for my family.

THE FIRST STEPS

So, I started small. First, I decided to eliminate all soda and juice. I’d never been much of a soda drinker before, but Jason buys it from time to time. I’d have a glass of Pepsi occasionally and I probably drank juice once or twice a day. I knew that was a lot of calories that I didn’t need. So for one week, I drank no soda and no juice. Interestingly, a week later I’d lost a couple of pounds and gained a whole lot of confidence. The next week, I decided to cut out chips. I had become very fond of sitting down with a bag of chips and a jar of dip and eating until I just couldn’t eat any more. I knew that was so unhealthy, so I stopped. A week later, I added yet another “rule.” I would ONLY eat salads at fast food restaurants. No burgers and fries. At some point, I also stopped eating anything after dinner. I’d been in the habit of snacking until bedtime, and I was adding so many calories that way. It had to stop. After 35.5 years of not drinking coffee, I started drinking it (decaf of course). Rather than eating after dinner, I’d drink coffee or green tea and sweeten it with zero-calorie Splenda. With each new “rule”, I became more and more confident. I began to realize that I COULD change things. I began to believe in myself. I began to see junk food as toxic and something that was standing in the way of me taking care of my family. I started to crave GOOD foods.

CRITICAL POINT

Before I knew it, I’d dropped 10 lbs. Then I hit a bit of a plateau and thought I’d never get past it. I know now that I was at a critical point. In the past, that’s when I would have given up and grabbed a bag of chips to eat away my disappointment. But this time…I just didn’t. I kept on going. In fact, I started adding some exercise. I did some of my physical therapy exercises and gradually increased the intensity. Then I registered with a free website called everydayhealth dot com. I was able to track every calorie, and I quickly learned that it was crucial to getting healthier. I tracked EVERY SINGLE THING I ate. I started out at 1800 calories per day. I have adjusted that since then, as a lighter body needs less calories. I am now limiting myself to 1500 calories per day. I won’t lie. Sometimes I’d give my pinky toe to have a McDonald’s cheeseburger and fries. The cravings are intense sometimes, as my body is still trying to adjust to the changes. But every time I get discouraged or feel weak, I remind myself of Gabby and how I am one very strong woman to be able to put one foot in front of the other after all I’ve been through. Everyone has something that can inspire them. Maybe you’ve survived cancer. Maybe you’ve made it through a very low point in life. Maybe you’ve raised a family and watched them blossom as adults. Maybe you’ve kicked a drug habit or helped someone else when they were in a very tough situation. Whatever you’ve accomplished in life…let THAT inspire you. If you could do those things, you can do THIS! God can and will help too!

GET MOVING

After a month or so, I decided I HAD to add some kind of cardio workout. We don’t have the money (or the time) for me to join a gym. We have no space or funds for exercise equipment. So, I just put on my tennis shoes and hit the road. Jason mowed me a path through the field behind our house. It leads to a dead-end road where only one family lives. I can walk the roads near my house and sometimes never even meet a vehicle. Gotta love rural! At first, I was afraid of what the walking would do to my back. And yes, there are times when it just plain hurts. BUT…the fresh air and the exercise are doing wonders for me. Part of my walk is uphill, and I love the strain it puts on my legs because I know it is making me a healthier person. When I get to the top of the hill, there are some pretty amazing views. That makes it worth the walk, and I love seeing rabbits and other little critters out and about. I am a country girl, through and through, and being able to see the beautiful, peaceful farmland is such a blessing. At first, I started walking for only 5 minutes. I’m serious. Just 5 minutes! Now, I am up to a 20 minute walk. And I’m talking serious walking the entire time…not stopping to rest here and there.  Four months ago, a walk like that would have probably left me unable to move for about a week. Now, it seems like a minimal challenge, and I know I will continue to increase my walking distance every time. I try to walk 4-5 times per week, and I LOVE to walk at dusk when it is cooler and Lincoln is already in bed for the night. Sometimes the girls go with me. It’s great for them, and I enjoy their company. Other times, I just HAVE to get away by myself. I’ve come to actually ENJOY this exercise, and it does not feel like a chore at all. It’s a real treat! And I am so thankful that I am ABLE to walk even if it does come with some pain. I’ve been pretty immobile and the ability to walk is something I will never again take for granted. 

Cardio is so, so important. If you are able to join a gym and have the time to go, you are truly blessed. Take advantage of it. If you live in an area where it is not safe to walk the roads, walk inside your house. Make laps around the living room. Climb the stairs over and over if you have stairs. Just get moving! Having a toddler to chase really helps too.  :-)  I often tell Jason that Lincoln is part of my exercise routine because I know I burn a good deal of calories while keeping up with him and keeping him out of things.

QUALITY, NOT JUST QUANTITY

While it is extremely important to count calories, all calories are not the same. I could get my 1500 calories per day in ice cream, but that wouldn’t do much for my body. Whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and HEALTHY fats are so important. I don’t eat bread much at all now, but if I do, it is the 100% whole grain, sugar-free type. For “dessert”, I usually try to have a fresh fruit or low-calorie “treat” of some kind. Fudgsicles are great! The “no sugar added” kind have only 40 calories. When I eat one, I feel like I’ve had my chocolate but I’m not loading up on calories. Still, a better choice for dessert is fresh fruit, natural applesauce, low-fat light yogurt, or maybe 2-3 small pieces of DARK chocolate (I like Dove). My former self considered cakes, cookies, and pies to be desserts. And I think it is FINE to occasionally indulge (within reason). It just can’t be a daily thing. I allow myself one meal per week in which I do not count calories. It would be quite easy for me to just go wild with that meal and end up eating 1000 calories before I even realized, but I’ve discovered that all the work I’ve put into my new, healthier self causes me to think twice before I stuff that 4^th piece of pizza in my mouth. Even when I “indulge”, I make good choices and don’t go too far off course. And I try not to stress out over it. If it causes me to gain a pound, it’s not the end of the world.  Again, cutting soda and juice can make so much difference and really help with the ability to be able to “indulge” from time to time. Other than 8 oz. of 1% milk per day, I drink NOTHING other than calorie-free drinks (water, drinks sweetened with Splenda).

Fats are important too! But fats need to come from sources such as olive oil, fish, and nuts. I LOVE baked or grilled tilapia fillets with fresh dill from the garden! YUM! I try to eat some type of fish at least 3 times per week. But it needs to be baked or grilled - not fried and breaded. Nuts are such a great source of protein and healthy fats. I LOVE natural almonds as a snack.

As we all know, salads are wonderful! But if we’re not careful, we’ll pack on hundreds of calories with toppings. Stick to lots of greens and other fresh veggies, about 1-2 T of a LIGHT, FAT-FREE dressing (I like Kraft’s raspberry vinaigrette),  and a bit of protein from either a low-fat cheese or natural nuts. If you get a salad from a fast food restaurant, find out how many calories it has. Remember to add the calories for the dressing. While the salads are definitely better choices than burgers, they can have more calories than you expect. Just KNOW what you are eating, so you can keep an eye on your daily intake.

THE NUMBERS

There are still times when the numbers on the scale just won’t budge. It is very frustrating, but it happens. I’ve found that it can sometimes take a week or more to get past a “plateau.” In fact, recently, I gained 2 lbs. and those stubborn 2 lbs. just wouldn’t go away! Finally, the numbers started dropping again and then they kept on going down. Plateaus cause me to question my ability. I start to panic a bit and think, “Oh no! I’m going to gain all the weight back!” But I have learned to ignore them.  Be bigger than the plateau! Don’t let it intimidate you. Just keep going. Stay focused, and remind yourself that the numbers are NOT what matters. It’s all about how you feel and those little things you start to notice, like being able to cross your legs without pain for the first time in years or climbing a flight of stairs without gasping for breath.

STILL GOING

I know I have already climbed quite a mountain by losing 43 lbs in 4 months. But I do not feel like my weight loss has ended. My new healthy habits are permanent changes, so I try not to fixate on what the scale shows. My body will eventually reach a comfortable weight and remain there as long as I stick with my new lifestyle and remain fairly healthy. I don’t know what that ultimate number will be. Let’s face it. I’m nearly 36 years old and I’ve carried FOUR babies and have had 2 c-sections and a gallbladder removal in the past 3 years. The word “flat” is never going to apply to my tummy without the help of plastic surgery. I certainly don’t have the money for that, and I don’t know that I’d do it even if I did. So, I will just have to love all the stretch marks and “baby fat” and try not to worry about the visible results of my new habits. If I feel healthier and am healthier, that’s all that matters. My children don’t need me to be a size 3.  They just need me to be able to play with them and have the energy to raise them in the best way possible and be there for them when they have their own families someday. I intend to be that grandma that stays and helps until they run me off! I know my habits could still use improvement. I know there are more things I could do to be even healthier, and I am learning every day. I think Gabby would be proud of her momma, and that means so much to me. The real tragedy in losing Gabby would be to let it destroy me. I won’t. I refuse. Instead, I choose to let her inspire me. We all have choices to make every day, and we must take responsibility for those choices. I choose to show the world that out of great loss can come inspiration and hope. I choose to fight rather than give up and give in to things that just aren’t healthy or right. That’s what I want to teach my children, after all, so it is up to me to keep going and show them that even the most horrible grief isn’t a reason to stop fighting for what is right.

To be fair, I should mention that I was 6 months pregnant with Lincoln in the "Before" pic, but within 6 months of delivery, I'd gained back almost all the weight I'd lost since having him.

**In loving memory of Gabrielle Rae “Gabby” Merrick (July 11^th, 2009 to November 20^th, 2009).**