In the beginning...

After "blogging" on CaringBridge for nearly a year now, I felt it was time to move on and create a blog that would allow me a little more freedom to post links and all that good stuff. This is just a little therapeutic opportunity for me, and if you happen to get something out of it - all the better. So I should start by doing a brief overview of my little family for those here who do not know us.

Jason and I met and started "dating" in high school when we were both age 15. We have been together ever since - married for almost 13 years and together almost 18.5 years. After getting married, we lived in Nicholasville while we were both still attending the University of KY. In 1999, I graduated with B.S. in Individual and Family Development (Human Environmental Sciences). In 2000, Jason graduated with a B.A. in Architecture.

We began trying to build our family just a couple of years after getting married. After a year or so of trying and no positive pregnancy test, we started seeking medical advice. I had a laparoscopy to remove endometriosis. I had an HSG (tube dye test) to make sure my tubes were open (they were). Jason and I BOTH had multiple tests to check everything, and we discovered I was not the only one with some barriers to fertility. The results of Jason's tests were very discouraging, and we later learned that couples with those results are often told IVF is their only chance of getting pregnant. At the time, we didn't know this. So, I began taking Clomid to try to increase our chances. We had 2 intrauterine inseminations (IUI). Neither worked. We had no insurance coverage for any of the testing or treatments, and I literally counted out change to help pay for one of the IUIs. In fact, we're probably STILL paying on them. After those failed, we gave up hope. It had been 3 years of negative pregnancy tests, surgeries, ultrasounds, testing, medicines, injections, and heartache. I was exhausted. I began to look into adoption and dream that we would somehow be able to afford it. The month after we stopped trying to get pregnant, we conceived "naturally." It was a miracle, considering the numbers we were up against.

In September of 2002, McKenna was born. I knew it could take a long time to conceive again, so we started trying for another when McKenna was still a baby. It took 12 months (no meds this time). Then Olivia was born in November of 2004.

The years of infertility had created within me a very deep appreciation of the miracle of life. I knew in my heart that we were not done having children. So we started trying again. This time around, I had another laparoscopy and also found out I have polycystic ovaries (but not polycystic ovarian syndrome). After 26 more months of trying and all the stress and heartache that goes along with it, we were ecstatic to find out we were expecting in November of 2008. Little did I know that one year later, my life would be very different.

In April of 2009, we were shocked and terrified when we learned our baby girl had Down syndrome and complex congenital heart defects that were incompatible with life and would require open-heart surgery in infancy. At the time, I thought getting that news was the hardest thing I'd ever have to face in life. I was wrong.

My precious Gabby was born on July 11th, 2009. She had to be delivered 4 weeks early because of low amniotic fluid. She was transverse, so I had to have my first c-section (not fun). Despite her health issues, Gabby did well for a while. By 2 mos. of age, she was in congestive heart failure. But she still managed to meet many of her milestones before her older sisters had as infants. She was smiling and laughing and learning to hold her toys. At age 4 months, her heart was enlarged and surgery could wait no longer. On Nov. 18th, 2009, I handed my baby girl over for her open-heart surgery. That moment remains on my list of the hardest moments of my life. I kissed her head and held her hand. Then the anesthesiologist stopped and turned back to me and said, "Kiss her again, mom." I remember getting a very strange feeling at that moment and I lunged for Gabby and kissed her again. I'm so glad I did.

She had some complications during surgery but was expected to be okay. Unfortunately, the night after her surgery, Gabby started having major complications. Two days later, I held her swollen, battered body in my arms as she was removed from life support and took her last breaths. Jason was by my side as we whispered to Gabby that she could go to Jesus. "Let go, baby girl. It's okay. We'll be there before you know it."

Almost 5 months have passed since that day, and the grief has not gotten any easier to handle. It's different now than in those first few weeks. But it is not easier. I keep the memory of Gabby alive by actively advocating for all babies with Down syndrome and heart defects. I spend a great deal of time on that daily and have no doubt that God has had this planned for quite some time. This is MY purpose, and I do it for Him and for Gabby.