Missing

Today I thought about how it felt to be a mother of 4. I thought of how long it had taken me to get to this point in life. Infertility...losing a child...so many things have made this a very long journey. Jason and I never thought we'd have a newborn in our mid thirties. I always figured I'd be DONE having babies before turning 30. But things just don't always work out like we plan. We also never planned on having 4 children, but plans changed. I am tired. Losing Gabby took a lot out of me. While so many things seem easier this time around because we have experience with so many challenges when it comes to babies, many things are harder because we're older and we're just worn out. Grief has a way of taking its toll on the body.

When I was thinking about my children today, I felt that familiar sadness - that feeling that will always be there as long as I'm living in this world. One of my children is missing. While all four of them are in my heart and very much a part of this family, one will not be here for me to hold. She will not be here to play with her brother and sisters. She will not be at the dinner table to tell us about her day. No matter how much she is included in all that we do, she will always be...missing. That realization is one of the hardest things about losing a child. It lingers...every second of every day. It hangs heavily over every bit of joy and celebration. It is always there and always unwelcome. I have FOUR children, but in this lifetime, I will not be able to see all four of those children together and hear them talk to one another.

The joys that have come with welcoming Lincoln have been clouded a bit by the pain that has resurfaced. Reminders of Gabby are hard to handle sometimes, especially now. I do not want any sadness to prevail during such a happy time, but it is impossible to escape the difficult thoughts and feelings that come with once again holding a baby in my arms. I remember what it felt like to hold Gabby. I can recall her features and think of how they resemble so many of Lincoln's. Sometimes his expressions remind me of Gabby as well. To say it is difficult to see these similarities is an understatement. I miss my baby girl and at the same time, I ADORE my baby boy and am so happy he is here and doing so well.

Lincoln Scott Merrick!

He's here! My little man arrived via c-section on Jan. 14th. He weighed 8 lbs. 12 oz. (at 39 weeks exactly) and was 21 inches long.

At my regular OB exam on Jan. 12th, the doc said I was not making any progress with dilation or effacement. He could not feel Lincoln's head during the exam so he sent me for an ultrasound. I was very upset to find out that Lincoln had decided to turn around again and was frank breech. His little bottom was sitting comfortably in my very separated pelvis and his head was up under my ribs. The doc said the chances of cord prolapse were high due to Lincoln's position, and they did not want me to go into labor on my own. They also said the chances of Lincoln turning again were very slim because of his size and the pelvic bone issues. With the history of placental failure looming over me as well, I made the decision to follow the doc's advice and proceed with a c-section two days later. At the ultrasound, they estimated Lincoln to weigh 7 lbs. 10 oz. They were wrong!

The morning of the c-section, I did pretty well until it was getting close to OR time. Then I got a little freaked out, remembering my last c-section and all that was on my mind at the time. Then I thought of Gabby and I thought of how scared I was that I could no longer "protect" Lincoln once he was out of my body. So many emotions. I also thought of my girls and how they must be so apprehensive about all of it. But my panic was brief and I had Jason and some really great nurses there to reassure me. Once in the OR, I was able to have some "happy juice" that I was not allowed to have last time around. This time, I only remember getting prepped for the spinal and then the next thing I knew, I was flat on the operating table with Jason coming in and telling me they were getting ready to get Lincoln out. The "happy juice" made everything SO much better than last time. It was great! Lincoln came out screaming and when the doc held him up for us to see, he peed all over the floor. :-) As soon as I saw him, a very strange feeling came over me. It was as if I could hear Gabby saying, "Mommy, it's okay now. My brother is fine. Don't worry." There was instant peace.

When I woke up in recovery, Jason told me they had a bit of an issue getting all the stuff out of Lincoln's lungs. His breathing wasn't quite what they had hoped for, so admission to the NICU was likely. That was NOT what I wanted to hear! I was thinking, in my drugged state, "Oh no. Not again. I just want to hold my baby." Quite miraculously, they were able to get his breathing to improve rapidly and the NICU was not needed. Jason brought him to me in recovery, though I do not remember much about it. I just remember that holding him for the first time was one of the best and most difficult things I've ever done. So many memories of Gabby came flooding back. Every tiny detail about him reminded me of her. It was wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time.

The most difficult part of my recovery has been the pelvic bone and tailbone problems. They just aren't improving like I'd hoped.

As for Lincoln, he's doing well. There is some concern about his heart, as a couple of nurses noticed an irregular heartbeat on more than one occasion. They advised us to take him to the pediatric cardiologist for an echo. We had already planned to do this as a precaution. I am trying not to worry, realizing it is probably nothing. Lincoln was also tongue-tied (just like Olivia and Gabby). We took him to a pediatric dentist to have his frenulum clipped just as we did with Olivia and Gabby. By the time he went for his procedure (2 days after hospital discharge), he had a big, red ulcer on the end of his tongue. It's interesting that one lactation consultant told us he was NOT tongue-tied. And even the neonatologist said Lincoln might not need his frenulum clipped. The pediatric dentist said a baby must be severely tongue-tied to develop an ulcer like that. Thank goodness we didn't rely on only the opinion of that one lactation consultant and the neonatologist. Lincoln must have been in some pain by the time he had his procedure.

The girls are in love with their little brother and so are we. He is so cuddly, warm, and adorable. Yes we are exhausted, but it is so worth it. The emotions we are dealing with are quite difficult as well, but I think Lincoln is helping us to heal just a bit more.

Almost 38 weeks and a little concerned.

Yesterday's appointment showed no cervical changes. I'm still 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. Lincoln's head could be felt during the exam, so he is still head-down. Yay! But the doc said it is harder for a baby to drop and STAY dropped when a woman has had multiple children. My pelvic separation issues also interfere. All we can do is wait. I continue to deal with the pelvic and tailbone pain, but I keep telling myself that ALL of this is worth it and is nothing compared to things I've been through before. A little pain and immobility is really nothing in the grand scheme of things.

The girls are getting VERY excited about meeting their baby brother. There have been a few comments made by them recently about death in relation to babies (to be expected I guess), so I am watching them closely and trying to keep their well-being at the top of my list of things to consider. Last night, Olivia was looking through Lincoln's freshly washed clothes in his dresser. She was holding things up and saying, "Oh, how cute, Mommy! Lincoln will look so cute in this!" She was squealing with delight and just genuinely excited. While that really made my heart smile, it also brought a bit of fear to the surface. I am SO afraid to treat this situation like a "typical" situation. I am afraid to let my girls (or myself) get attached. Things happen, after all. But I know God is taking care of us. I just have to remind myself to trust Him.

Before my exam yesterday, the nurse checked Lincoln's heart rate with the doppler. It was near 200. This is the 2nd time that has happened. Lincoln was NOT moving and actually hadn't really moved all morning, so the high rate was not due to activity. The nurse listened for a long time and the heart rate finally dropped (at least temporarily) to 170 something. She made the comment that, "He has calmed down now." But since he was never moving, I don't really think the drop in the rate had anything to do with him being agitated. I talked to my doc today and found out she was not aware of this issue. She said, "It is a little concerning." She wants me to return tomorrow for monitoring (non-stress test) to see if the heart rate issue is a continual thing. Obviously, ANY concern about the heart causes me to worry, but I know this is probably nothing. Please pray that tomorrow's test shows all is well.