Missing

Today I thought about how it felt to be a mother of 4. I thought of how long it had taken me to get to this point in life. Infertility...losing a child...so many things have made this a very long journey. Jason and I never thought we'd have a newborn in our mid thirties. I always figured I'd be DONE having babies before turning 30. But things just don't always work out like we plan. We also never planned on having 4 children, but plans changed. I am tired. Losing Gabby took a lot out of me. While so many things seem easier this time around because we have experience with so many challenges when it comes to babies, many things are harder because we're older and we're just worn out. Grief has a way of taking its toll on the body.

When I was thinking about my children today, I felt that familiar sadness - that feeling that will always be there as long as I'm living in this world. One of my children is missing. While all four of them are in my heart and very much a part of this family, one will not be here for me to hold. She will not be here to play with her brother and sisters. She will not be at the dinner table to tell us about her day. No matter how much she is included in all that we do, she will always be...missing. That realization is one of the hardest things about losing a child. It lingers...every second of every day. It hangs heavily over every bit of joy and celebration. It is always there and always unwelcome. I have FOUR children, but in this lifetime, I will not be able to see all four of those children together and hear them talk to one another.

The joys that have come with welcoming Lincoln have been clouded a bit by the pain that has resurfaced. Reminders of Gabby are hard to handle sometimes, especially now. I do not want any sadness to prevail during such a happy time, but it is impossible to escape the difficult thoughts and feelings that come with once again holding a baby in my arms. I remember what it felt like to hold Gabby. I can recall her features and think of how they resemble so many of Lincoln's. Sometimes his expressions remind me of Gabby as well. To say it is difficult to see these similarities is an understatement. I miss my baby girl and at the same time, I ADORE my baby boy and am so happy he is here and doing so well.